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2 — boring and bad
3 — bad
4 — trivial and boring
5 — tolerable
6 — enjoyable
7 — notable
8 — recommended to check out
9 — outstanding
10 — G E S A M T K U N S T W E R K
and kinematograph is not literature
i write sometimes detailed reviews on titles i've seen at my blog milkandhate so i won't forget my thoughts on them
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An error has ocurred. Please try again1-6) Wonder Boy / ワンダーボーイ[Arcade, Amstrad CPC, Commodore 64, SG-1000, Sega Master System, ZX Spectrum] 7-13) Wonder Boy monster land / ワンダーボーイ モンスターランド [Arcade, Sega Master System, Amiga, Atari ST, Commodore 64, Amstrad CPC, ZX Spectrum] 14-16) Wonder Boy III Monster Lair / ワンダーボーイIII モンスターレア [Arcade, PC Engine CD-ROM2, Sega Mega Drive] 17) Wonder Boy III: The Dragon's Trap / モンスターワールドII ドラゴンの罠 [Sega Master System] 18-19) Wonder Boy V: Monster World III / ワンダーボーイV モンスターワールドIII [Sega Mega Drive, Sega Master System] 20) Monster World IV / モンスターワールドIV [Sega Mega Drive] 21) Wonder Boy Returns 22) Wonder Boy Returns Remix 23) Wonder Boy: The Dragon's Trap 24) Wonder Boy: Asha in Monster World
1987 忍 -SHINOBI- 1988 SHINOBI 忍 [Sega Master System] 1989 SHINOBI [Commodore 64, Amiga, Atari ST, Amstrad CPC, ZX Spectrum, MSX, IBM PC, PC Engine, NES] 1989 Shadow Dancer 1989 The Super Shinobi 1990 The Cyber Shinobi 1990 Shadow Dancer Shinobi Kage no Mai The Secret of Shinobi 1991 Shadow Dancer [Commodore 64, Amiga, Atari ST, Amstrad CPC, Master System, ZX Spectrum] 1991 The GG Shinobi 1992 The GG Shinobi 2 1993 The Super Shinobi 2 1995 Shin Shinobi Den 2002 Shinobi 2002 The Revenge of Shinobi [GBA] 2003 Kunoichi -忍- 2011 Shinobi 3D
Reviews
Astérix et les Vikings (2006)
decent animation bad designs bad writing
Originally i saw it soon after release, i expected to love the new Asterix entry but i was disappointed. The writing is cringy old-people garbage and the main character is ugly.
So we watched it with the original sound and russian subtitles.
This is the last 2D Asterix film, released twelve years after the previous one. And the next one came out only eight more year later with 3D CGI animation.
Well, i can admit that as far as 2D animation goes, this often looks really good. But the rest is still bad.
The main story is a double cringe How Do You Do Fellow Kids these days. It came out in 2006, but it thinks that SMS, vegetarians, scratching, and disco music are still the most relevant phenomenons with teens (lets pretend of at least 18 years old in this film). It plays boomers' pop music as if it's new and hip, literal Eye of the Tiger (1982) (but not electronics), Get Down On It (1981), and Super Freak (1981).
And this is not Astérix et les Vikings, it's Comment allez-vous, mes amis enfants et les Asterix. Asterix and Obelix are secondary character in this not-funny juvenoia teen romance adventure. They repeat that fear gives you wings so much, but it wasn't any amusing even the first time. It's just bad plot.
While the animation quality is retro-actively impressive, the protagonist looks like an alcoholic granny, at least they shou'dn't've made him ugly. And the girl runs around without pants in a miniskirt in sub-zero weather, and it is a very mini skirt, with a lot of creepy frames.
If you want to introduce a new character no one asked for, instead of the main stars, at least do it right. The 2018 cartoon was almost great.
The Allins (2017)
as the name says it's about the family
It's a documentary, that doesn't talk about GG or what he though. As the name says, it's a documentary asking old people what they think. GG died before i went to school, yet even today people still think that there's art to his lo-fi low-effort academically-bad music, and that it matters and that the world didn't improve that much since GG's days. The strength of GG's lyrics and image is not in him being a typical edgelord nihilist upset with the world. The strength is in the state of the world itself. If the world was a better place, where that stuff just can't resonate with people, he would've been forgotten. But in the world where pop-punkers sell-out to governments to support genocides, you always remember that there was a true real punk, and that you should never worship any authority.
GG is dead but his symbolism lives. Some people latch on an idea of fictional Rick and Morty, others onto an idea of the real-life GG. For some people it's enough to just think about it, others crave the ahole-action.
Merle is keeping the brand alive. Which means that this 30 years old music they recorded means something to people. You can download the entire discography for free, but it's important to people to give their money to the band.
And well, look at the bright side. The dudes had an ideal epitomic future-serial-killer childhood, but the mum saved them from it, and neither did oppress them. So they grew up to be just (academically) bad musicians, instead of anything worse.
The film itself as a documentary is pretty average. There' nothing awe inspiring, but they don't shy away from explicit imagery either. And it features a lot of footage of GG's earlier looks. Though, it feels like they could've found better quality of footage for some of the oldest materials.
Evil Bong 888: Infinity High (2022)
it is in fact a real film even if without a story
Evil Bong became a throw-away IP, the one of the concurrent ones, in which they were not putting any effort. The last two films look like youtube videos made by youtube essayist who think that early AVGN is how you should make things. But even at that they are of a lower quality.
So it was surprising to see this one being an actual movie. There's no story, nor ending (while it is advertised like the grand finale). But it's not just dudes pointing camera at random things and sometimes trying to make funny on the fly. There's some actual writing and some decent performances.
I don't remember much of the EB6 and EB7, but it doesn't really matter. Instead of continuing where Evil Bong 7 has suddenly ended, this one is a separate story. This film is lead by Rabbit. He opened a restaurant and tries to be a businessman. Due to mismanagement they have no other food but beans and sausages, so Evil Bong infuses that dish with weed. After which it's just a series of shots of boobs, cameos, and recurring characters from this IP visiting the restaurant. Robin Sydney has a role. But not as Luann. Not as Sarah Leigh. She's another character, Kendra from the Corona Zombies series.
Oegye+in 2bu (2024)
a lot of uncomedy
Well, at least they did finish the story. It's bold of them to assume i can remember anything from the first film. And i am so bold to assume, that even if i did watch it in january, i wouldn't remember anything more than now. I even read the synopsis of the first film on Wikipedia and it didn't get any better. And it starts with a recap, which also didn't help.
Reading about such a film can create an image of something awesome in your head. But the real product is kinda awkward. How can you make something so unnecessary complex and confusing, but also unmemorable and filled only with unnecessary flashbacks. Often to five minutes ago.
And then there's the film itself. A medium-budget sci-fi xianxia overly long picture. The first ninety minutes of it is just a talkie filled with funny-free "comedy". It's all buffoons and not-funny sidekicks being stupid. Only by the end there's some action, and even 1,5 impressive scenes. But then even that often struggles with framerate and many shots are drowned in the disgusting lens flare camera defect.
The girl has this movie with close ups on her phone. And the girl was also stolen from the past why she wasn't sucked off by the time vortex?
Well, maybe watching it back to back is more impressive and immersive. But as is it was at the lower margin of just alright.
Jackpot! (2024)
it's already not too good, but the ending kills it
It's mostly a full-length-action film. And its action cinematography is bad . It's all cuts, breaking 180, etc.
And of course the writing and the story are bad.
The granny says that Awkwafina looks young for a cop. She's 40 and she looks 40. She looks so good as a cop she just played one.
Cena agrees for 10%. Which means he can kill one client easily and skip the next nine. He should ask for something closer to 90 to make the profession feasible. Why would he agree to share the same danger and get nothing in return. Saying i'm just a good guy is a cancer answer.
The wasp gun is still a gun, even if it doesn't use cartridges. Then there are literally diving spearguns, crossbows, bows, none of which are in the film. And then they just gave up and show dudes with shotguns and with literally >>"bullets".
The film pretends that only low income people hunt the winners. But a millionaire would want to become a milliarder. The difference is 1000 to one. And a millionaire can afford some really good gear.
After getting a mask that works, she just threw it away. It was working.
And she took the call. Why would you take an evil call?
The film is also filled with product placement of other properties and brands.
Why is this 65-min film goes for 2 hours? It's made of equal parts of sub-mediocre and unfunny. And unfunny won in the end. Because the ending sucks and is badly written.
Terminator Zero (2024)
Humans can live in dirt. High-tech machines need processors grown in clean rooms.
This time this strained franchise was fed to weeaboo creators. So it's the same song and dance again, but now with all the weaboo tropes of (cyber) spirituality.
The writing is as weak as weaboo soaps go. This one uses only the old models from Terminator 2, because everyone loves T2 and wants to memember chewbaka again. So we just pretend that the sequels and that girl-soap didn't exist, again. A dude creates another skynet because the first one was not enough. So we have a generic Terminator 1-style hunt where a future human saves a POI from a future robit, while the old dude waxes poetic with skynet 2.
Of course let's say that war is bad and it created only by humans. But it's not. First of all war is basically never created by "humans". I bet with a time machine you can trace every single war in history to just one psychotic sociopath who didn't get punitive psychiatry treatment in time. Every properly recorded recent war can be traced to just one person who is not even a fully functioning human. At best this sloppy AI can argue is for mass religious hatred. Which again, is always controlled by sub-human sociopaths deceiving and lying to simple people's faces.
And then, humans are just animals, and in their cruelty they can never reach chimp warfare. Human capacity to war will never match the world war ant that is happening for the past hundreds of years. They never get tired, they never have pacifists, they never think of peace treaties or about civilians, they never communicate with the enemy, never take prisoners.
Then the slop AI says that word "robot" comes from the word for thralls. Are the writers banned from the internet and libraries? Even if we ignore all context and use the modern definition, it still does not come from the word for thralls. The two worlds are entirely separate.
Misaki tried to get down a hostile killer non-AI not-robot, just to endanger the kids, after which she terminated several humans. But when a robot has actually threatened the kids all she did is scream and break herself. All these CGI and animation directors who do not have to work with physical objects always ignore weight, mass, friction, and force.
The Terminator works because it's simple. You can probably accept Terminator 2 as a tacked-on sequel if you choose the happy ending. The traditional recycled footage last-second re-write is a garbage ending. It's a blatant sequel bait. Anyone who is unhappy with Terminators 5 and 6 existing, can only blame T2 and nothing else. When skynet became about internet the plot stopped working. All its nukes will harm its internet in the first place. Humans can live in dirt like roaches. High-tech machines need processors grown in clean rooms. 80s dreams of the future cannot survive against 20s facts of the reality. The more meat you add to those old rusty metal bones the faster it rots.
This cartoon is a generic weeaboo soap about spirituality and fountains of blood. Lacks only falling with both hands on boobs for a full house. It thinks it is smarter than you, while blabbering generic 13 years old's edgelord cliches. It's not the worst thing i saw. But what did i saw? Why did i saw? This is as nutritious as dining on a roll of cellophane.
Lisa Frankenstein (2024)
had potential
Yo, this really should've been a great film. But instead because of the weak lazy writing it's merely fine. They could've recycle the whole first person, but instead they decided to become a serial mom out of literally nowhere and start a spree. No scratch that, that joke makes it look like Serial Mom is as lazy as this, when Serial Mom makes perfect sense and is consistent. Like, the ending is so dumb, she decided to burnerecute herself alive for no reason. At least should've picked a better method that would have left the body intact.
An unmasterful awkward film, that is also an alright watch.
Lisa Frankenstein is frustrating. Fido is awesome. Warm Bodies is awesome.
Beverly Hills Cop: Axel F (2024)
It's a generic loose cop action film for the fourth time.
It's a generic loose cop action film for the fourth time. Now with generic family drama and there's a lot of it. It's a bit weaker than the third, but not so much as to dock a point from the final score.
Most of the cast has returned, but most of the cast should be on pension, instead of playing action heroes. Even the damn "young guy" Bob is played by Joe who is way past 40. Damn, people here don't even live up to forty, and here he runs around shooting stuff.
The cinematography is not good. It's all over-cut, maybe to accommodate the elderly people shambling around, or because the crew doesn't know how to do their job. The theme song is used as a leitmotif harder than ever and not in a good way. Every arrangement sounds very weak and dreary. The tune got so popular exactly because it doesn't sound like whatever the dying AI-generated version in the credits is.
Heavenly Sword (2014)
It's a barely tolerable watch.
There's a game known only for being in the first episode of zero punctuation. And people who didn't see that don't even suspect the game exists. It was a colossal failure but somehow the studio has survived and continued to make a colossal failure after a colossal failure to this day. And all studios that made good games are closed. Failure us rewarded.
So much so that after being a subpar flop that could not even earn a title of a great flop, they remade this story into a not-good CGI cartoon.
The story is bad. The writing is bad. The characters are especially bad. This thing has a weird fascination with mentally challenged. A part of this think is in another art-style with low FPS. The VA is pretty bad and then it all mixed like a very bad dub.
It's a barely tolerable watch.
Thugs of Hindostan (2018)
had potential to be good
We watched it with crappy russian subtitles made from a translation by Enigma.
It's a typical action-musical-comedy-drama. This one is set during the colonisation, and it's Pirates of the Caribbean at home, where a flamboyant scoundrel lead helps a girl to beat up british.
It should've been a great movie, with its setting, with the costumes and the script. But it wasn't made great. The plot is rushing trope-points. The action cinematography is uneven and it's often overcut despite the constant slo-mo. It breaks 180 all the time and in a very noticeable manner. There are no physics. And i am not talking about the characters being supermen and the usual action tropes. No things blatantly appear and disappear out of thin air, the thickness changes etc. Like, in the beginning they shoot an arrow, in the flight a giant rope appears tied to it, with the other end tied to a spool, that doesn't exist anywhere in this scene. It all sounds weird both in audio-mixing and syncing. We saw it in the original hindi. Which is also spoken by all the englishmen when they enjoy only each-other's company. During the songs the lip-sync is very off.
It should've been great, but instead we have what we have. 'tis alright.
Street Fighter (1994)
great props mediocre cinematography
I though that i would see it before i ever touch any Street Fighter game. Oh, wait, i've already played Street Fighter: The Movie at an exhibition. Anyway the life didn't go that way, and at this point i've beaten almost every Street Fighter arcade that came out before this film.
Mortal Kombat film had it easy, being just a tournament with, some lore on top. Pretending that there's a story in Street Fighter is childish, i don't know if there's anything written in some manuals, but arcades do not come with user manuals. All you have is the designs and tiny mutually exclusive joke ending screens for each of the characters. And then there're at least five alternative versions events from which are pick-and-choose canon in the series as a whole.
On the one hand they had to somehow merge a tournament with a spec-ops operations against the Vega's (M. Bison) gangverment. On the other hand since the games have no story they could do whatever they want. To make a movie based on a fighting game you just need to give the characters recognizable costumes and make them perform some special attacks. But this film didn't take the easy way.
They decided on a strict no-magic rule, and the characters get into costumes only with the progression of the plot. Vega (M. Bison) is not thai, but damn the writing and the performance are absolutely awesome. Nothing matches the ending cutscenes, but no one saw them with that cheating AI, and they all contradict each other anyway. Instead of a tournament it is an action film about heroes going against an evil dictator. So, a half of the plot is kinda true to the game. Also it is filled with references to SF2.
The screens inside Vega's (M. Bison) lair show video in incorrect aspect ratio. The props are awesome. The cinematography is rather mediocre and in an action film it's the most important part.
Well, it's not what people who played the game wanted to see from it, but then they don't know what they wanted to see to begin with, or why there would be six remakes of the same game? By itself the film has the potential to be anything from good to great, but what we have is just solid entertainment.
The Beekeeper (2024)
could be great
It's an awesome retired shadow alphabet soup agency guy action film. Jason Statham takes on tech-bros parody straight from the 90s, one of whom looks like MatPat, and the other like the suicide forest guy. The writing is tight and all the stupid talk about the bees is fun.
But this kino lacks kinematography proficiency to be great. It's not even average, it's all handhelds and quick cuts.
It's an awesome retired shadow alphabet soup agency guy action film. Jason Statham takes on tech-bros parody straight from the 90s, one of whom looks like MatPat, and the other like the suicide forest guy. The writing is tight and all the stupid talk about the bees is fun.
But this kino lacks kinematography proficiency to be great. It's not even average, it's all handhelds and quick cuts.
Barbarella (1968)
horny but actually worthy
This is the film they write songs about. But no one saw it or talks about it in this millennium. I haven't found a single ootoob review of the film from a recognizable name. To be fair there are some videos about it from microscopic channels no one watches. I sure didn't.
It's a Dino de Teatentis production so there's plenty of horny, and of boob aquariums. The story is alright, not too generic. The movie is filled with awesome practical effects and props. Tho, they really do go overboard with using psychedelic physical reactions of liquids and pops' fried soup.
Good to see that in the year 4,000 Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is still thriving and prospering.
Boy Kills World (2023)
tries hard to be cool. is cool
The "surprise plots" are always weaker than straightforward ones. And when the surprise is not surprising it's just sad. The bad twists are so passe - you can call every single one from the first frame of a film.
It is a pretty cool, but a tryhard-cool action film. And by "cool" i mean cool as the "cool" was 25 years ago, before it became not cool anymore. The DJ led-ticker masks were never cool, they are cringe since they first appeared right before the 10s.
The film has rather ambitious audio and cinematography. The action is not too impactful, but it is not overcut shaky cam either.
Yuh, it's pretty cool.
The Signal (2014)
no ending
It's a surprise film, but the thing with surprises - they suck. I'm the only one who remembered this film existing for the last ten years. So, the only people who ever saw this film, are the people who saw the trailer in a movie theatre while waiting for a 2014 movie, and the trailers showed all the surprises.
The intro is stupid. They pretend you can outsmart a rigged claw machine. But the dude draws the targets from the PoV of his height instead from the kid's PoV. Then a disabled dude goes to do chores. Even if he wants to pretend he is useful, he just wasted all the money, wasted all the food, and polluted the planet for literally no reason. Sorry bruh, i don't think the whole 8 000 000 000 of humanity has to pay the price for you trying to cosplay as able. He's an ego tripping bunghole and that drags the first part lower.
It is a mystery film and it is intriguing, but mystery stories are only as good as the moment of revelation. And this reveals nothing. One out of two, mediocre. I'll call this tolerable for the middle part, but the beginning is melodramatic nonsense, and the ending is unsatisfactory. The cinematography apes denis the menace, but is even less appropriate here - the flashbacks are superfluous and add absolutely nothing.
Helstrom (2020)
Mostly decent.
It's another Marvel soap, but this one was booted out of MCU before the release, instead of after.
It's a family drama soap, but set in a judeo-roman fantasy world. But, like, only a half of it. There's undeniable proof of demons and hell, but yahweh with angels remain only a theoretical or a theological concept, that has no observable power at all - it's all play-pretend just like in the real life.
It's kinda a compelling watch. Most of the acting is pretty good, and the show mostly stays on budget, not trying to depict something they cannot. There's only one bad episode. But the ending is not as good. Most of it is too dark to see, it's kinda rushed, and without more seasons to follow it is twice unsatisfactory, and not in the "evil has won" kind of a way.
Noryang: Jugeumui Bada (2023)
Finally, a live-action film adaptation of Age of Empires II: The Age of Kings
It is the third film about the admiral, again with a new cast.
The first two films are about underdogs winning against invaders, but here, from the very beginning we know that the invaders just wanted to leave, and the admiral just wants something akin a genocide. And accidentally helps the bad(er?) guy, or at least that's what implied. The film should've explained why he should not let the japs go clearer. Because in plain text the beginning of the film is framed as the nihonese guy wanting to save a kid and the admiral wanting for more people to die in a war that is already over. Once again these movies do not work by themselves. You watch one and think, "well that's some hollywood fantasy". But then you read up and understand that the naval battles scenes were actually plausible and awesome. Nay if you hindsight about it - they are borderline inevitable. Why do you have to do a homework to watch a movie? After doing some superficial research for this filmi saw at least some possible reasons for these decisions, none of which are in the film.
After a whole hour of meandering and weak drama, the awesome finally begins. Besides the two geobukseons, which soon are sank, they brought hwachas. There are some cool manoeuvres and in general most of the naval battle scenes are cool. There're a couple of awesome shots. There are scenes of people talking by writing hanzi which is cool. The whole region used hanzi but spoke different languages, so they could communicate through hieroglyphics but not by talking.
Yet most of the drama scenes are actively not good and drag this down. The actors playing non-korean have very unconvincing hard accents, so much so the speech doesn't even resemble the nationalities in its cadence. The flashbacks are unfitting, and often very unnecessary. Like they show scenes which you saw five minutes ago. And then there's, like, flashbacks to the previous movies, i think, but i don't remember who these people are supposed to be, and they all are wearing military uniforms.
The post credits scene talks about attacking nihon so that the war actually ends. But that the war did end. And right before the film has started. And the besieged dude even got what he wanted - he run away. Or is this a ressentiment, that not attacking nihon in 1600s then led to the later occupation of the peninsula by a different nihonese government in 1900s? That's petty.
And no other interpretations are offered by the film, should've explain the situation better.
Gojira -1.0 (2023)
^==//==> ll ll
An axis soldier has PTSD that he didn't win the war for the axis powers, an he lives in crap while the axis emperor and all the axis war criminal officers are not prosecuted and they live in lusury keeping their jobs.
The film re-uses the hesei plot-line, that gojira is a dinosaur bombed by the yankees. But instead of that happening in 1954, this one happened in 1946. Considering that your PoV is from an axis power, right after the war has ended at the peak of the ressentiment, and gojira happened not by an accident in a post war, but created by the occupational forces, the tone doesn't taste good. Most of the film is spent showing the guy dreaming and craving to die for the axis leaders. As if it's something good.
Who taught kid the word "dad"? If it's not used at home, there's no kindergarten to spread it from other kids.
The CGI is weak, this is the return of turdzilla, and turdzilla's rigging and animations are bad. At its worst it looks like a child-made GMod sequence at its best. Also turdzilla can just stand on water at various depths. Same place, different scenes can have it be submerged up to the chest, to the lumbar, knee-high, or barely reaching its shins. There's barely any destruction, one scene from King Kong, a couple of broken ships, and a generic CGI explosion from afar.
Gojira is a drama, but not a stupid human drama, there's a lot of cool special effects. Gojira is the central focus of the plot.
This is a generic boring cookie cutter human drama, where gojira is tacked on just to sell more copies due to brand recognition. It's better than 4-hours-long conservocuck ramblings of Shin Gojira with 3,5 minutes of gojira footage, all of which is unrelated to the protagonist. But it's still a 120-minutes-long dreary generic drama, with only 12 minutes of pretty bad godzilla, and barely any effects.
Madame Web (2024)
Leaping spider-fetus! This is not a drill, i repeat, leaping spider fetus.
That somewhat known by some people character, that is known for being an old lady, was turned into a young woman. Who is younger than me. And this film doesn't take place in the the 60s or even in the 80s. This takes place in the beginning of 2004. By 2024 she will still be younger than Madonna and Madonna doesn't look like the old lady Madame Web. Meanwhile Ezekiel Sims was turned into some dork who already wears a knock-off spider-man costume, and he is a bad guy. He has no use as a bad guy, since his involvement is always related to the totemic powers. Without him they won't do totemic powers, and without them he is a bad villain. Is this like the only name they had a license to? Were they forbidden from creating new original villains?
And well this film is not good at all. I didn't hate it, and it wasn't overly boring. But bad craft is bad craft. Most of the lines from the protagonist are like the first takes. They are read with no emotion or relation to the scene, often with mistakes. And the writing is pettily dumb. It's another predestination story where prequel has to project future developments into the past. Madame is not a character, she can't have her own life, no she is an accessory of Peter Parker. She is a tchotchke on Peter's table. She is not a random person from the street with her own story, this version knows Parkers and looks at spider-fetus.
So when they got into a car, Madame threw away a cell-phone cos of tracking. But from the diegesis tracking is good, they think that the cops can track them, which would benefit them. They have no knowledge that some loner can magically track the whole world with magic AI image generation that can read his dreams through a dreamcatcher. And she could allow the girl to drop an SMS or even make a call saying she is alright, and then throw away the phone. Also, it's 2004, why she threw away one phone and not four? Is this written by alphers who can't imagine that in 2004 everyone had a phone even in the third world crapholes where they were sending chiptune ringtones to each other over IR-ports after they purchased them from newspaper ads? And middle class could afford coloured phones with polyphony.
When she went to a diner by a car it was twice slower than when she walked, but she walked there in minutes, while the dorks spent hours on that hike. And the film pretends that Toxic is this new hot thing. But by that time she was already old news, and that was her swan song, a blip by an old lady before a total obscurity. Everyone remembered her from their own youth, it was not a new unknown artist.
Madame just screws off for two weeks, into another country, and nothing happens at all. Wow, what a writing.
In the scene near the cave-pond there's probably the worst ADR i ever saw in cinema. Yes, even worse than all the memes and the 80s films and animation i saw in the last 5 years. It's a different take with a different mic, with a different sound picture, with no attempts at mixing it together with the rest, and this is a high-budget high-profile AAA garbage release, no an indie creation or some B-film.
When Parker screams for attention, so they can film her giving birth, why the absolute hell did they all go into the car? What use do they have there? They could remain home and clean it up. They are parasitising on a good family, could at least clean it up. Nut instead they all rushed into cramped car to take space.
And then one of them sees a camera, and looks out posing for the photographs.
Then Ezekiel saw that the car gonna miss him, so he jumped up to make sure he will get hit by a car. And that's where they stopped drawing her giving birth to leaping spider fetus and entirely forgot about that, leaving her stranded in a carp pile.
On the factory a consumer firework blew up a hole in a wall and it was in a convenient shape of a vertical doorway.
I've watched Next 2007. Next 2007 is better.
Mystery Science Theater 3000 (1988)
unfunny and
Very unfunny old people are trying to make fun of foreign movies for them not being made in usa and fail at it to the extremes. It's not just not funny, it actively removes some joy from the world that was already there. Pure hatred of cinema as an art form and hatred of "the other".
Riffing on someone else's hard work requires so little effort that literally every movie watcher is already doing it at home. And with in-jokes and familiarity with friends, that's way more funny than watching annoying strangers who hate cinema publicly hating foreigners.
>>According to Shout! Factory, the Japanese movie studio Kadokawa Pictures were so horrified with MST3K's treatment of five Gamera films that they refused to let Shout release the episodes on home video.
Good Night, and Good Luck. (2005)
bad film about an important topic
It's just photographs of people mumbling, archival footage you can watch yourself, and recreations of archival footage you can watch yourself
so what does this film add to the conversation?
Archival footage stretched to widescreen; a scene with a 1950 widescreen CRT showing stretched footage; and black and white physical film to celebrate how it was goo ol days get off my lawn kids these days
the similar All the President's Men is way more dynamic and cinematic, it has characters and knows what it tries to tell and tells it through cinematography
this is just photographs of people talking, confused and confusingly, and it adds nothing.
Vice (2018)
the topic doesn't shield you from criticism
You would think that an award for "Excellence in the American and International film industry" will have at least some basic objective quality standards, right? This movie has a sequence where 4//3 footage is stretched to the movie theatre wide aspect ratio.
Outside of stretching the aspect ratio of footage it's just a bad film. The movie thinks that ironically rolling credits 20 minutes in, is still as funny past the new millennium as it was back in the 80s. There's terrible film school student cinematography. The story is told out of order for no reason, poorly. The scenes come and go randomly. The film does not know how to enter or exit them, but refused to cut them out. The film pretends that shaking your leg is supposed to mean something, besides that you have a whiny gastrocnemius. And then it doesn't even understand what it tries to say. There are no parallels between the bush parody and the bombed civilian parody. There's literally no stereotypical fake reason for a civilian to do that, outside of whiny gastrocnemius. There's the terrible fake narrator. And no one asked the real person's permission or their family's to depict them this way. And there are extremely embarrassing blatant bad metaphors especially the black black heart.
Deux Romains en Gaule (1967)
variety sketch show
We watched it with subtitles by Lisok (Lisochek)
It is Asterix-related media, but it is not an Asterix story.
A french kid has to do homework about gauls, so he is having a trip about two roman soldiers hooking up with girls. The story of the soldiers is a variety series of sketches. And it can already be a story in itself, but from time to time the kid appears in the background. Sometimes it is getting out of hand and there are two of them. And sometimes he starts talking to animated Asterix and Obelix.
For a TV film a lot of effort was put into the costumes.
Deux Romains en Gaule (English: "Two Romans in Gaul") is an 59-minute animated/live-action TV special directed by Pierre Tchernia in 1967.
American Graffiti (1973)
boring unpleasant people being boring and unpleasant
This is a pointless storyless slice of life film akin to Dazed And Confused but instead of being timeless, this is old people mememberring their past, which was the worst. Instead of nice characters spending time, it's a bunch of unpleasant boring characters being unpleasant.
And no, Dazed And Confused is not my nostalgia. I'm no yankee, and it's not even my generation. That film is 10 or more years before my time, i haven't even enrolled in school when it came out.
Gangsters doing stupid crimes and being creepy to females, while the ending pretends it is a true story. A pretty boring waste of time.
The Nutt House (1992)
contains some iconic scenes
This film was a cultural staple of family movies in the 90s, alongside both bad kid films, Beethoven, Critters 3, etc. And now it is very hard to find a copy of this film.
The only part people were squeamish about is the food fight. No one likes the food fight scenes in usa movies. It's another thing which actually happens in real life, and which is another reason why not-first-world countries hate first-world-countries more, than their home-grown dictators. At least the terrible people-killing-dictators don't do food waste. Instead they create famines.
This movie formed how people perceived the split personality disorder for years, even if it is comedically exaggerated. And well, it turned out to be scientifically accurate. Split personality is a hoax spread the same way as the vaccine conspiracy.
The story is unusually compact. Most of the film happens in real-time.
Robert Trebor from Hercules plays one of the characters.
This film can be funny or at-least impressive when it does live-action looney tunes and shows good VFX. When it does generic slapstick it is flat. There's an amount of memorable and iconic scenes.