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markmclews
Reviews
Dark Encounter (2019)
Redneck Kidnapping
I struggle to understand why aliens would travel millions of kilometres from an advanced planet to kidnap redneck inbred fools with poor dress sense and questionable grooming habits!
The men alone should be captured and analy probed to the fullest extent strictly on the point alone that not one of them can trim a beard or take a shower!!!!!
This stupidity beggars belief, why oh why are these imbeciles chosen as the finest specimens of humanity to be studied and dissected, these are the best representation of our evolution, plodders in a backwoods craphole where the local sheriff does his worst Sam Elliot impersonation!
Avoid this garbage like the plague!
Wrong Turn (2003)
Incredible documentary !
Wow, what an amazing documentary about Americans by Americans!
It's not very often that a film maker decides to go underground and film a documentary about heartland America then disguise it as a slasher film, but kudos to him for pulling it off!
This stupid platform that is now required to produce a shitload of characters to post a simple review about simple people is so stupidly simple, but if that's what is required then who am I to buck the system that clearly knows more than I do!
Anyway back to the documentary,
It was well played by the actors showing what the real America is, inbred rapists!
Órbita 9 (2017)
What an absolute gyp!
I'm not sure Sci-Fi movie makers really understand what their public wants, but it's not this!
Starts out fantastic, if not plausible' but still is entertaining!
Then it all goes downhill when Mr Mopey arrives with his tools to fix EVERY job.
The moment we find out that the spaceship is actually an earth ship, or more importantly an underground earth ship, is when the feeling of being cheated sets in!
We want movies set out there, in the cosmos, not down here on this crappy planet.
We want escape, not an underground bunker prison where some sicko has locked up a beautiful girl for their own self gratification!!!!!!!!!
Do better, the film is a gyp !
Keep Breathing (2022)
Garbage!
This started so well and I loved it, until half way through episode 2!!!!!!!!!
I managed to condense the series down to three just bearable episodes by punishing the crap out of the fast forward button every time an infuriating flashback came on.
The people in the flashback were an annoying bunch of clowns that deserved every misery that befell them, the worst being the horrid mother!
So sad a show with a great premise morphed into rubbish!!!!
Heat (1995)
Great but.........
This is an amazing film!
Nothing can be said about it that already hasn't been said in the previous reviews!
The first dud in the film was Al Pacino's overacting, tragically so in places!
I'm hoping there was so much coke available to the actors that this might explain his seemingly drug induced hammy acting!
The second was Henry Rollins trying to channel his 'aggression gene'!
This is the gene he thought and wished he had to explain his aggression, it was later proven he didn't have it and exposed him as a fake poseur!
His attempt at being the strong arm right hand man in this film was comical, his one big scene in which he is meant to give a menacing stare is laughable!
Apart from these two pathetic attempts at acting, the rest of the film is flawless !
Da 5 Bloods (2020)
Diabolically bad!
I'm not sure what movie the critics watched but it wasn't this one!
Watching this tripe is like hitting yourself on the head with a hammer because it feels good when you stop, it really is that bad!
It's unintentionally one of the funniest movies I've seen though, funny for all the wrong reasons.
Surely Spike Lee can't be that conceited to think this film has any redeeming features in any way?
Give it a miss !!!!!
Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)
The Texas Commonsense Massacre
I hoped this would be good, it wasn't, it was diabolically bad.
It's hard sometimes to suspend total disbelief as to how criminally stupid the characters are in a movie, but in this movie the 'writers' have written a script containing the absolute dumbest knuckle-draggers on the planet.
Stupid stupid stupid in every way, an absolute insult to Tobe Hooper!
Out for Justice (1991)
Dated and dreadful
Where do you start about how diabolically bad this movie is.........
Well for a start the main protagonist bad guy looks like an overstuffed mattress with hammy attitude, shocking in every way!
There must have been a casting call for extras with the description that only big hook nosed Italians without any acting experience apply!
If I ever hear a fake Brooklyn accent again it'll be too soon!
Steven Seagal does what he always does, not much in the way of acting but heaps in regards to impersonating a windmill!
Basically just way too many bit part Italians in this film to be credible, but the bonus is with all those big noses they could smell the bad reviews coming a mile away!
But, Gina Gershon, absolutely beautiful as always and wasted in this tripe!!!!!!
Concussion (2013)
Humdrum
A very bland boring film about everyday people!
The reason we watch movies is for escape, not to be reminded of our everyday lives but for excitement and fantasy, this movie isn't it!
Unattractive people doing unattractive things!
The best thing about the film is the use of a David Bowie song (one of my favourites).
The worst thing about the film is it has a Canadian feel about it, I was surprised it was made in America, it just feels Canadian.
Disclosure (2020)
Dreadful and forced!
You can always pick a bad film by when the actors appear to be acting!
It has that cringeworthy feel of one of those horrid back street Sydney suburban amateur theatre shows where everyone pretends to be enthralled but really just wants to leave and go to the pub on the corner!
The girl with the black hair was great......
The mother of the girl was strained and bloody annoying, she seems to have learnt all her lines from a thesaurus......
The father of the girl was woeful......
There's an old saying, 'In the Greek tragedies, you never know what The Gods had for breakfast'!
Pearl Harbor (2001)
Like watching grass grow!
It's just so pathetically Hollywood!
The pace of the film is so slow and the love story so boring that you are actually cheering for the Japanese to bomb the whole lot of them to just get it over with!
The only good thing about the film is Kate Beckinsale, she's gorgeous!
Wild Hogs (2007)
Great exposé.
The best thing about this film is Ray Liotta exposed just how gay and woeful the biker clan are!
Absolutely spot on representation as to how pathetic their code is, brain dead idiots playing dress up!
Bike riding should be about riding, NOT the idiots wearing colours!
Cooped Up (2016)
Strained!
This was so amateurish and strained it was bordering on unbearable!
The other two reviews here are obviously friends or relatives of the actors or director!
Ok, the bloke in lockdown, his over enunciation and the delivery of his lines is so so bad, cringeworthy in fact!
His decent into abject boredom and semi insanity after only 10 days of lockdown is laughable, seriously you have zero compassion for him and actually hope some domestic tragedy befalls him!
In light of the current restrictions people are enduring, all this film does is make you want to scream, "shut up you whinging self indulgent clown"!!!!!!!!
Do not watch this movie unless you get enjoyment from wanting to punch your own tellie.
Prey (2021)
Dreadful!
This is one of those movies so bad that it's not even good/bad!
The five main characters are so annoying that you are actually hoping the protagonist will bump them off sooner!
In fact the best thing about the film is hoping and waiting for them to get shot!
Tempting Fate (2019)
Perfect
Alyssa Milano is in it!
Review finished, she's gorgeous!!!!
The Big Ugly (2020)
Woeful!
So, they travel all the way to Sistereffsville America to execute their plan to wash money only to have it all brought down by their drug fkt bimbos?
Stupid in the extreme and a waste of some really good actors !
Small Chops (2020)
Diabolically bad!
This is realistically the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!
The 'dancers' cannot dance to save their life and this film contains some of the most unattractive people I've ever seen assembled in one place, honestly seriously unattractive!
Now the plot, THERE ISN'T ONE!!!!
It's a garbled gab fest of white noise, gibberish for the sake of it!
Do NOT watch this movie under any circumstances, you've been warned !!!
Escape and Evasion (2019)
Appalling
Absolute cliched garbage, laughable!
Only made worse by that horrid NZ actor/actress being in it!
No wonder the principle character/soldier suffers PTSD, he retired to the Gold Coast for christ's sake, that would do it to anybody!
Absolutely dreadful on all levels!
Stowaway (2021)
Pathetic
Here's a great idea for a movie.
Let's send three morons on a mission to Mars with a stowaway that happens to be a moron!
The only reason to watch this film is to scream at the absolute absurdity of it!
A ludicrous abomination of a film!
Contagion (2011)
Hilarious reviews!
Hey it was an ok movie and a perfect piece of Hollywood fiction!
What the review is really about is the reviews of this movie, they are hilarious!
The people here seriously trying to make an analogy between this film and Covid is outlandishly cretinous and infantile!
What little bubble of stupidity do you all live in?
A Home of Our Own (1993)
Dreadfully sad!
There is zero that is uplifting about this movie!
It's an incredibly sad film about a woman too stupid to use protection and the dismally sad life she lives after the fact!
The domestic abuse of her children is very hard to watch and as opposed to being rewarded with this flowery movie she should have been charged with child cruelty.
A horrid film filled to overflowing with sadness, why they make crap like this is mind blowing, there is enough sadness in the world without enduring it over two hours at lunch time on the idiot box!
Easy (2016)
Really real!
An old saying that reflects to cinema and theatre is.......In the Greek Tragedies you never know what The Gods had for breakfast!
This series is just too real, too normal, it's weirdly voyeuristic, it feels like you are peeping at your neighbours!
The worst thing about it is, it just feels so Canadian !
Project Almanac (2015)
Nauseous camera 'work' !
The Boring Witch Project has a lot to answer for!
Not only was it a terminally asinine film but it has the dubious distinction of starting the 'found footage/hand held cheap arse camera work' genre!
It's not artsy, it's not cool, it doesn't make us feel like we are there, it's just bloody annoying.
This film has real promise and a great idea, unfortunately the director ruined it!
Robin Hood (2018)
Appallingly Bad!
I find it pointless to review good films but instead try to warn people away from bad films!
This film is one of the worst I've seen!!!!!!
It's atrocious on so many levels but the only good thing about it is, it may end that pompous clown Tim Minchin's 'career' in movies, please pretty please!!!
Lion (2016)
An incredible film!
An amazingly beautiful and heartwarming film!
The only fly in the ointment was Nicole Kidman's hair, seriously wtf ?