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-- Friday October 31, 1997 (Also Replayed on Master Tape Theatre May 23, 2008 and Sunday, November 1, 2009) --
• The Craziness Begins. 10/31/97. 6:15am
  Today was going to be a big Halloween show with The Amazing Kreskin so Stuttering John was up in Harlem getting some people to come down to the studio. Kreskin needed a bunch of strangers to use in a séance that he'd be doing later in the show. Howard figured that picking some people right out in front of a methadone clinic would be perfect. John got some drug addicts and other wacky people to come with him for $20 and some food. Not too long after talking to John on the phone about that, Gary came in and said that Kreskin had arrived. Gary also complained about the way Kreskin slapped him on the back. He said that Kreskin hit him so hard that it left a hand print on his back! It was still stinging 20 minutes later! Jackie had the same problem with the guy. Kreskin said that he doesn't mean to do it. It just happens.

• The Mike Walker Game With Guest Mark Wahlberg. 10/31/97. 7:30am
  Actor Mark Wahlberg, aka Marky Mark, came in to plug his movie ''Boogie Nights'' which hits the theaters today. Howard spent some time talking to Mark about his singing career and about how he no longer talks like a ''wigger''. Mark said that he had to take voice lessons to get that speech pattern out of the way. He's a professional actor now so he has to speak better english now. Crackhead Bob was also there getting made up as ''Crackenstein'' for halloween. Howard had him come in to play the Mike Walker game. Ralph made him up to look like Frankenstein. Howard said the makeup was great. Just before playing the game Mark showed Robin his third nipple. Yes it's true, he has a third nipple. So anyway, on to the Mike Walker game. Here are the 4 stories, one of them is a fake. The object is to pick the fake story:
  1. A fan of Wil Smith crashed her car trying get to him. After the crash she ran over to get his autograph without stopping to see what happened to the car she hit.
  2. Brett Butler is in trouble again with her cursing parrot. The parents of her child co-star are upset with the word that come out of the parrots mouth.
  3. When Jerry Seinfeld ran into Tim Allen at a restaurant he went over to congratulate him for his new $1.6 Million per episode contract. Jerry sent his bill over to Tim with a written message saying ''To the number 1 paid actor from the number 2, thanks for dinner''.
  4. Kelsey Grammar is trying to get his wife Camille a permanent job on his tv show ''Frasier''. Camille says that if Jenny McCarthy can have a show why can't she.
  First to guess was Crackenstein. He picked number 2 as the fake, Mark Wahlberg picked number 1, Robin picked 3, Howard picked 4 and Jackie picked 2. Fred sat out for this one. The actual fake story was number 2. Amazingly Crackenstein was the only one to get it right. After the game Howard spent a few more minutes with Mark.

• The Craziness Continues With The Amazing Kreskin. 10/31/97. 8:20am
  NOTE: This segment will air on E! tonight at 11pm! Now on to the big part of today's show. The Amazing Kreskin came in to do a séance and to have someone channel the late Sam Kinison. He chose about 20 people for the séance. The people were seated at bridge tables and I believe there were 4 per table. Kreskin had the people hold hands and after saying a few words the tables were shaking and falling apart right in front of everyone's eyes. One of the guys got so freaked out by the whole thing that he ran out in tears! It must have been pretty real for that guy. He was crying something about seeing his dead brother or something as he ran out. He later said that his brother died about a month ago. I guess he thought he was contacting him or something. Howard and Robin seemed amazed by what was happening. Kreskin did a couple of different things to demonstrate what was going on. He had one of the people at the table take their hand away and the table would stop shaking. After that trick was done Howard had to take a break. After the break they came back and Kreskin had 7 people that he would be trying to have Sam Kinison channel through. He did some hocus pocus on the guys and then had ''Sam'' speak through them. The only problem with the whole thing was that each guy contradicted the next. One guy would go into a Kinison voice and say that he missed drugs more than his ex-wife and another guy would say that people should stay away from drugs and live life clean and another guy would say that he was pissed that his ex-wife got married. It just wasn't believable enough. Kreskin would then ask the guys if they remembered what they had just done. Of course they didn't. It was still fairly entertaining though.

• The Amazing Einziger Explains Kreskin. 10/31/97. 9:40am
  After Kreskin left, Scott Einziger from E! told Howard that he knew how Kreskin did his tricks. They had a discussion during a commercial break and Howard thought that Scott's explanation was so ridiculous that he brought it up on the air. Scott told Howard that Kreskin does everything with his power of suggestion. It's still pretty amazing even if that's how the guy does it. But there were 20 people that he did it to and Howard doesn't know how the guy can use his power of suggestion to get that many people to cooperate with him and make tables shake. It seems like Howard was still impressed with what Kreskin did even though he knows that they weren't really contacting any dead people. The argument went on for a while until Howard made Scott do his own séance with a few people. Needless to say he couldn't get them to do the same thing as Kreskin. This whole discussion eventually turned into an even stupider one. Howard and Ralph were arguing about why the Star Trek show has a black Vulcan. Ralph doesn't think it's right. They argued about that subject for another 20 minutes after the Kreskin thing. What a full day of wackieness.

  ---

  -- Thursday October 30, 1997 --

• Author Les Krantz Calls In. 10/30/97. 7:35am
  This guy wrote a book called ''The Definitive Guide To The Best And Worst Of Everything''. It has tons of statistics for just about everything you can imagine. Howard ended up talking to this guy 3 different times during the show today. The talked about things like which state has the most Jewish people in it and which city has the most homeless. Here are a few examples:
  • State with the most Jews - New York 1,645,000\ Number 2 is California with about 922,000
  • State with the least Jews - South Dakota, Idaho, Wyoming - tie with less than 500 per state!
  • City with the biggest percentage of black people - Detroit with 75.7%
  • City with the most homeless people - New York City with over 55,000
  • City with the biggest crime rate - Miami Florida
  So that's what the book is about. There are a bunch of other things that they talked about when Howard talked to him later in the morning. Some of them are going to be in the sequel to this book. Here are a few more:
  • The loneliest job - Astronaut
  • Which vegetable has the most calories - Potato
  • What day is the most popular for TV viewing - Sunday
  • Which race has the largest penis size - Scandinavian men
  • The largest penis ever measured on a man - 13 inches

• New Jersey Governor Whitman Calls In Again. 10/30/97. 8:10am
  Governor Whitman called in for the second time in 2 weeks to talk with Howard. She'll be coming down to the studio on Monday. Howard is backing her for the second time now.

• Caller Who Slept With His Twin Sisters! 10/30/97. 8:30am
  This guy called in to get some advice from Howard. He told a story about how he ended up sleeping with his two younger sisters one night. He's 25 and they're 19. He was helping them out with their computer or something and they ended up going out and getting drunk. When they got back to their house one thing led to another and they had sex. He said it was the best sex he ever had. The guy is married too. According to what he said his sisters look like Crystal Bernard and his wife looks like the woman who plays the Tool Time girl on ''Home Improvement''. He said that his sisters want him to come back up this weekend and he wanted to know what to do. Howard didn't have much advice for the guy but I'm sure he'll do what's right.. and just what exactly is the right thing to do?

• Aerosmith Autographed Guitar Giveaway. 10/30/97. 9:10am
  Howard had an autographed Les Paul guitar to give away this morning so he played the homeless game. This is where he gets a listener on the phone and plays tape of a homeless guy answering questions. If the caller guesses correctly at whether or not the homeless guy answers correctly he can win the guitar. He has to get 3 out of 5 guesses correct. Here are the 5 questions and answers:

  Question	Caller	Answer	Correct?
  How many sides does a rectangle have?	Y	Maybe 3..	Incorrect
  Finish this famous quote ''Give me liberty or give me...''	N	Hope	Incorrect
  What country was Hitler from?	N	Germany	Correct
  What country was Napoleon from?	N	England	Incorrect
  What is frozen water called?	Y	Ice	Correct

  As you can see the caller got 3 out of the 5 correct so he won the guitar. After that contest there were still more questions to play so Howard and the gang were betting on the outcome. Here are the questions and answers for those:

  Question	Answer	Correct?
  Where was J.F.K. Shot?	Florida	Incorrect
  Name 2 of the Beatles.	Paul and ?	Correct
  How many kids is triplets?	Two	Incorrect
  Who is Batman's sidekick?	Robin	Correct
  How many hours are in a day?	24	Correct

  The betting was crazy so I couldn't tell you who won the most but Robin ended up coming out even after losing quite a bit. As Howard pointed out, they should have known how dumb the guy would be because at the beginning of the questioning he said that he can't read.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 29, 1997 --

• Jackie's Joke Book Hits The Book Stores. 10/29/97. 7:20am
  ''Jackie The JokeMan Martling's Disgustingly Dirty Joke Book'' has been published and is now being sold in book stores all over the country. Howard wrote the forward for Jackie so you may want to check it out for that reason alone. I'm sure there are some funny jokes in the book also.

• Jasmine St. Claire Comes In. 10/29/97. 7:25am
  Porno star Jasmine St. Claire was supposed to demonstrate an act that she's done before where she has flames shooting out of her private parts. She couldn't do it today because she had a little accident the other day. This thing that she uses has a few tubes coming out of it to shoot the flame. One of the tubes broke or melted and burned her private area. She did have a video tape of another time when she did it though. Howard watched it instead. It must have a hell of a sight. She had like three foot flames shooting out of these tubes. I don't know exactly what it looked like but it must have been nuts. There were also 2 firemen who came down to the studio for her demonstration but they weren't needed today. They were dressed in full gear and had first aid supplies just in case she hurt herself. They did get the chance to see some of the video tape though.

• The Luckiest Unlucky Man Alive, Bill Goss, Calls In. 10/29/97. 8:10am
  This guy Bill Goss wrote a book called ''The Luckiest Unlucky Man Alive''. The book is about his many near-death experiences. The guy talked about 5 or 6 different horrible experiences and I'm sure there are more in his book. Here are a few examples of his close calls:
  • At age 9 he almost drown in a sink.
  • He dangled off the side of a mountain while hiking.
  • He was hit by a car that was doing about 60 mph and had an out of body experience.
  • A truck he was driving loaded with 2000 pound bombs blew a tire and spilled the bombs on the road.
  • He had a wasp fly in his mouth and sting him a bunch of times while riding a bike.
  I'd stay away from this guy if I were you. Bad luck seems to follow him around. He's going to be signing books at the Borders books in the Short Hills Mall in New Jersey on November 15... bring a hard had and fire extinguisher.. A little more wackieness before the guy got off the phone. He once tried to get Howard's book ''Private Parts'' taken out of book stores. His kid picked up the book and saw the picture of Jackie sticking his finger into a guy's ass. He wrote to the ACLU and a couple of other organizations who told him that Howard had the right to publish what he did. The guy didn't know that Howard knew about that when he called in. Howard wasn't being a dick about it either. He was just interested in the guy's stories.

• Jackie Breaking Copyright Laws!? 10/29/97. 9:15am
  A photographer called in to tell Howard that some of the pictures in Jackie's new book were used without permission. The guy who called in went out and bought the book this morning and noticed right away that some of the pictures were his. He said that he sends his pictures to the copyright office in Washington DC a couple of weeks after he takes them so technically Jackie is breaking copyright laws. The guy wasn't too upset about it though. He said that he'd settle for Jackie to eat some chocolate cake out of his ass or something like that. We probably haven't heard the last of this little incident.

  ---

  -- Tuesday October 28, 1997 (Original write up) --

• Suzanne Somers/Queef Girl/Guy Who Gives Oral To Himself. 10/28/97. 7:30am
  Suzanne Somers came in to plug a couple of things this morning. Her tv show ''Step By Step'' has moved from ABC to CBS and airs Friday nights at 9:30am. Her book ''Eat Great, Lose Weight'' was one of her other plugs. She is also selling her own line of jewelry that she designed. She's also writing another book about her life. The last one she wrote talked about the fact that she used to be a bed wetter and all kinds of other good stuff. Okay, enough about Suzanne's plugs. Howard told Suzanne that he had a woman who loves to use the Butt-Master excercize machine which Suzanne used to advertize on tv. He had the woman come in to show Suzanne how much she liked it. Well the woman came in and started the excercise and all of a sudden there were farting sounds coming from her. She wasn't farting though, she was queefing from her vagina. The woman went on to demonstrate her talent for Suzanne and her husband Alan. She did quite a few of them and even tried to do it standing on her head. That didn't work though. After that Howard had a guy who claimed that he could ''Orally please himself''. The guy wanted to get his band's song played on the air so he said he'd demonstrate. The guy isn't in the band, he said that he just promotes them. The guy needed a couple of minutes to get himself ready for the demonstration so Howard took a commercial break and let the guy go to the bathroom to get himself exicted. They came back from commercial and the guy couldn't get himself in the right state of mind but said that he could still do it. In the mean time a record company guy called in and said that he'd give the band a demo deal if the guy could actually do it. Well, the guy did it and everyone was cracking up laughing. Howard said the guy looked like ''..a bird pulling a worm out of the ground..'' as he was doing it. Suzanne was speechless. Howard did play the band's song but it really wasn't that great. The name of the band is ''Quartermint'' or something like that. They have a web site if you're interested: www.quartermint.com. Before Suzanne left she told a story about how she got pregnant at age 16 without having intercourse. She said that she was wearing a skirt and her boyfriend was wearing jeans. The boyfriend did his thing in his pants and she somehow got pregnant. After she left Howard said that he didn't believe her story. Whew! What a morning!

• Comedian Nick DiPalo Calls In. 10/28/97. 8:55am
  Earlier in the morning Howard was talking about how he woke up in the middle of the night because he couldn't sleep. He ended up watching The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. He saw a comedian doing some really funny material but he didn't know who it was. That comedian turned out to be Nick DiPalo. He called in to thank Howard for mentioning how funny he was.

• Captain Janks, Crackhead Bob And Kenneth Keith Kallenbach Come In. 10/28/97. 9:30am
  Janks, Bob and Kenneth are doing a mini-tour together so they came in to plug some of their appearance dates. Crackhead Bob even had his fiance with him. She looked great according to Howard. Bob is one lucky guy. He can barely speak or walk but he has a beautiful, dancer girlfriend. She told Howard that she used to dance on MTV's The Grind. She's now a hip-hop dance instructor. Howard spent most of the segment talking to Bob and his woman (who's name escapes me right now). They have a good sex life and Janks said they seem to really be in love with one another. Kenneth Keith was kind of mellow today. He was putting on his voice more than usual but he was taking it easy. He said that one of his songs will be featured on an upcoming WYSP (Philly Station) compilation CD. The guys will be appering at the Micro Club in Philly on Friday night, Sweeny's on Saturday and a couple of other places that I missed.

  ---

  -- Tuesday, October 28, 1997 (As replayed on Friday, November 10, 2006) --

  • Master Tape Theatre - October 28, 1997. 11/10/06. 6:00am
    Howard was off today so we had another edition of Master Tape Theatre which is a replay of an old K-Rock show. Today's replay was the October 28, 1997 show. I did a write up of this show back in 1997 but I've updated it with what I heard today. All times are different than they were when the show originally aired since they've cut out many of the commercials that aired back then.

  • Howard Starts The Show, Takes A Break. 10/28/1997. 6:00am
    Show opening bits and songs included: James Taylor performing ''Carolina in My Mind'' live in Howard's studio, Geraldo Rivera introduction for Howard Stern.

    Howard said they had a busy show coming up today. They had a guy who says he can service himself coming in as well as Suzanne Somers, Captain Janks, Crackhead Bob and others. He also mentioned the show made the news after they had Amy Heckerling in the studio the day before. He read some of the article quickly and then took a commercial break.

  • Jeanine's Telepathic Powers. 10/28/1997. 6:05am
    After the break Howard said people were calling him asking about the stock market. He said the stock market goes up and down all the time and you can't control it. He spent a couple of minutes talking to the guys about why the market had taken a dive. He joked that Steve Grillo had lost a whole $18 in the market. Jackie said he was watching the market the day before and it was tough to see it take a dive.

    Howard had this woman on the phone by the name of Jeanine. He said he got a letter from her the other day and she wanted to talk about the invasion of her privacy. He was trying to talk about that but the phone system sounded awful so he had to complain about that.

    Howard said that Jeanine thinks that someone has been invading her privacy and she believes that she can tell, through her telepathic powers, that Steven Spielberg, Kate Capshaw, Bill Gates, Paul Allen, Harry Anderson, Richard Starkey (Ringo Starr), George Lucas, Natalie Merchant, Amy Grant and others are people who are invading her privacy.

    Jeanine told Howard that she gets these thoughts in her mind about these people and she's been having them since 1989 or so. She's not sure why they are bothering her. She told Howard about these thoughts she gets in her head and how she interprets them as people invading her privacy.

    Howard said he believes that all of those people are actually working together investigating her for a movie project. He asked Jeanine if that's what she thinks is going on. Jeanine said she doesn't think that's the case. She also said that she has not been treated for this problem.

    Jeanine said she isn't able to work because of these problems she has. She has this reputation because of these people and that keeps her from getting a job. Fred played the cuckoo clock sound at one point while they were talking to this woman.

    Howard took a call from a guy who thought Howard was leading this woman on and making fun of her instead of helping her. Robin asked Jeanine if she has anyone to take care of her. She said she sort of has people who help her out. Her family tries to help her out with money.

    Howard took another call from a woman, Terry, who wouldn't believe that she was actually on the air when Howard told her she was. She had to turn her radio off to understand that she was actually on the air because of the delay they had. She then asked Howard ''what's up'' which drove him nuts. The woman told Howard that having the woman on the air is not a joke and he shouldn't be treating her this way. She said that she's had similar problems but she has learned to live with it. She then told Jeanine that she has a mental illness and this is not happening to her and she knows because she's been in the same situation. She cursed at one point so Howard had to ask her not to use profanity on the air.

    Howard asked Terry who was contacting her. She didn't give any names so Howard said that he's pretty sure no men were contacting her with the voice she has. Howard tried to get it out of her but she wouldn't say who it was that was contacting her. He threatened to hang up on her after she used the S-word again. Terry said that she thinks that Princess Diana is not dead and she's actually hiding out so she can come out after she wins Star Search.

    Howard told Terry that he heard from Princess Diana and she is going to come out when she wins Star Search. Terry said she knows he's not telling the truth and knows that it was all mental. Howard was going to hang up on Terry but she didn't want him to. She asked Howard to tell Sage ''hi'' for her. She was trying to say that for an old boyfriend of hers. Howard said that the stock market was easier to figure out than these two.

    Howard told Jeanine that he'd look into this for her and let her go a short time later. He went to break right after that.

  • Howard Checks Out Perfect 10 Magazine. 10/28/1997. 6:35am
    After the break Howard told Robin that he goofed on Ralph yesterday by putting a fake penis in his shorts and telling him he needed him to check out a possible herpes sore on his penis. He said Ralph was fooled for a few seconds but then he realized he was being goofed on.

    Howard said he got a copy of this new magazine Perfect 10 and it almost ruined his day. He said all of the girls are all natural and they can't have implants or anything like that. He said they're all hot and out of the 15 girls, 5 of them said that their favorite comedian is Howard Stern. Gary couldn't believe that he read through all of their profiles.

    Howard said that this one chick, Jocelyn, was so hot and showed the guys her ass. He rattled off her profile because he had it memorized. He knew her favorite actor and all of that stuff. He figured he could get the girl after reading the profile. Then he came across Carolena who also said she likes Howard Stern. He figured two women who liked him in the same magazine was pretty cool. Then he came across Angelie who also said she likes Howard Stern. And then Lexie's profile revealed that she likes Howard Stern as well.

    Howard said he was going nuts after reading all of that. Robin didn't believe that any of the girls actually even knew him. Howard told Gary to book all of the girls so they could question them about the profiles.

    Howard said the magazine has a waiter poll where they ask waiters in different restaurants where they ask about different celebrities and how they tip. Steve Martin got bad mouthed by some of the waiters. Arnold Scwarzenegger got some nice feedback. Faye Dunaway was also liked by the waiters. He read through a bunch of other celebrities that were listed in that article. Rodney Dangerfield got some negative feedback while Tom Hanks was positive. Sylvester Stallone was negative.

    Howard said that Rick Dees was listed in there and they said that he's one of the nicest guys in show business according to the article. Howard's name was also in there and he says he goes out of his way to leave great tips to make sure he doesn't go through this kind of stuff. He said he once left a $30 tip on a $15 bill at a Chinese food restaurant. Gary said he knows that Howard leaves good tips and he's never complained at a restaurant. Howard read the article where someone claimed that Howard has bodyguards with him when he goes out to eat. Howard said that never happens.

    Howard explained how he's taken security guys out to dinner with him but they weren't working as bodyguards. He said they're usually just guys who work for the people he's working for. He wrapped up the discussion about the magazine and said that was the plug they were looking for. He couldn't get over the fact that all of those women had listed him in their profiles. He would also like to meet the waiter who bad mouthed him in that article he was just reading. He said he wants the five women who like him and the waiter from that article to be brought in at the same time.

  • Various Stuff. 10/28/1997. 6:50am
    Howard said the guy who was coming in to perform fellatio on himself didn't want a prize, he wanted him to play his CD on the air. Howard wondered if he should bring that guy in or read some comments from Yanni. Robin wanted to hear the Yanni thing. Howard read an interview that was done with Yanni where he explained why he wouldn't want to appear on the Howard Stern Show even though he was invited. Howard read Yanni's rambling comment about why he didn't want to appear on the show. Howard said that he seems to be a jack-off asswipe to him.

    Howard spent a short time talking about how he was watching Jay Leno's show the night before and how funny this one comedian was on the show. He said he'd like to hear that act again. Letterman had Mariah Carrey on his show but she only performed a song instead of doing an interview with him.

    Howard was also watching Conan O'Brien's show which was kind of lame. He also talked about Tom Snyder's show and how awful that is. He talked about how disturbing that guy looks and how awful his show is. He said he's a scary guy and he's not sure how anyone can watch that show.

  • Kreskin Prepares For Next Appearance. 10/28/1997. 6:55am
    Howard had Kreskin on the phone. He said that Kreskin had some big news for them the other day when he called Gary and claimed that he had won 21 hands of Blackjack in a row. Howard thought that he had done that before to other radio stations but Kreskin said he has never done that before.

    Kreskin told Howard he wants to do something on the show where people bring in their own card tables. He wants 28-32 people to do this thing but Howard told him he doesn't have enough room in the studio to do that. Howard asked Kreskin if he could smash the tables over his head if the bit sucks. Kreskin just laughed.

    Howard asked Kreskin if this was going to be interesting audio because it is a radio show. Kreskin said it will be interesting. He said that one of the people they have in the room will feel that they have been taken over by Sam Kinison and they will be able to ask him questions. Howard said he thinks this is going to be worse than Geraldo Rivera opening Al Capone's vault.

    Howard said he can't wait to see Sam Kinison in the room when Kreskin comes in. Kreskin said they will have a true channelling in the studio. Howard had to go to break a short time later.

  • Suzanne Somers, Debbie The Queefer 10/28/1997. 7:15am
    Howard came back from break and said he was backed up with guests. He had Suzanne Somers and the guy who was going to fellate himself waiting to come in. He spent a short time talking about Cindy Crawford's TV show and how he thinks that she should just keep her mouth shut because she speaks in such a monotone.

    Howard had Gary bring in Suzanne Somers so he could interview her. He checked her out and said her husband looks like hell but she looks great. He spent a couple of minutes talking to her husband and talked about this Buttmaster thing that Suzanne was selling. He told Suzanne they have a woman there who was willing to demonstrate the Buttmaster for them if they wanted to see that.

    Howard asked Suzanne if she wanted to see the Buttmaster thing and also this guy who claims he can fellate himself. Howard had the woman come in to demonstrate the Buttmaster. He had her sit down and give it a try to see what exactly it does. As she was doing it the woman let out some queefs. Howard then said that this was Debbie the Queefer who makes sounds with her private parts. Howard told Suzanne that they weren't farts but queefs which were coming from her private parts. Alan said that was the Queefmaster.

    Howard asked Debbie how she does that. Debbie said she's able to suck the air in by contracting her stomach muscles. She demonstrated it a little more for everyone. She even stood on her head and did some more queefing while standing on her head. She sucked in some air and blasted it out again. She blasted out a couple more before Howard let her go. Suzanne handed over one of her books for Debbie as she was leaving.

    Howard got back to Suzanne and talked about her book sales and how they're doing (Suzanne Somers' Eat Great, Lose Weight). He also brought up her bed wetting and family life that he'd read about in her book. She talked about how she was able to stop herself from wetting the bed.

    Howard told Suzanne he doesn't know how she can do an interview with Tom Snyder because he's such a bad interviewer. She told him about how she once wrote him a letter saying ''fuck you'' after he had said something nasty about her... So Howard had to hit the delay on her. Suzanne refused to do his show for a long time after he made that comment about her but she eventually went on and had a good time.

    Howard told Suzanne he had to bring this guy in to fellate himself because he was running out of time. He told Suzanne about how the guy got booked for the show and how he claimed that he could fellate himself. Alan said if he could do that he would never get out of bed. The guy came in dressed in a disguise so no one would recognize him. He also came in with a Playboy magazine to help himself get aroused.

    Howard asked the guy some questions about how he found out he could do this. The guy said he was about 12 when he figured it out. Howard said that his music isn't all that great but that's the whole reason he was there to do this. He wanted his CD to be played, that's it. Howard asked the guy if he has ever done a full completion of the act. Howard said he might be gay if he does that and did his cough ''haggot'' thing to the guy.

    Howard spoke to this guy's band mate Marco who gave the guy's name as Leon. They spent a couple of minutes talking but Howard had to take a break before they could get to this guy fellating himself.

  • Leon Fellates Himself In Front Of Suzanne Somers. 10/28/1997. 7:40am
    After the break Howard asked Suzanne about Cindy Crawford and her awful interviews. He moved on to this guy Leon who was going to fellate himself. Howard said he had a guy from a record company on the phone who was willing to give the guy a demo deal if he can actually do this thing. The guy said that Leon has to finish the job to get the deal but Howard said they wouldn't be going that far with this guy.

    Gary said this guy was in Tommy Lee territory with the size of his penis. Suzanne said she didn't want any part of this whole thing. She told the guy to think of her as Chrissy Snow from Three's Company instead of Suzanne Somers.

    Howard told Leon that if he could do this thing he could get a record deal. The guy couldn't get himself hard but he went right ahead with the whole thing and started to suck on his own member. Robin took a look and got a laugh out of it. Gary said the guy has to be a fag if he likes doing that.

    Howard let the guy from the record company, Matt, listen to this guy's band Quartermint and the guy told him the name of the band was horrible. Howard said he had heard it already and it wasn't all that great. He played one song and said he knew it was going to be bad. Howard sang along with the song a little bit. Suzanne also sang a little bit herself. Howard let the song play through but talked over it and goofed on the guy a little bit. Leon gave out a web site but it was gone as of this writing (11/10/06).

    Matt told Howard to have Gary get a hold of him and he'd talk to this guy about a record deal. He also got in a plug for the band Stereophonic which was a band he thought was going to be big.

    Howard talked to Suzanne about the jewelry she's been selling and all of the other stuff she's been selling. Suzanne told Howard about all of that stuff for a short time. Howard gave her a plug for her book and looked through it to see the cute pictures of her.

    Suzanne told Howard about how she got pregnant by a guy even though they didn't have intercourse. She believes that it happened through her panties after she fooled around with the guy. Howard also asked about having sex with Suzanne and Alan didn't seem to have much of a problem with that. Howard spent a couple more minutes talking to Suzanne before going to commercial break.

  • Montreal Ratings Reports. 10/28/1997. 8:05am
    After the break Howard read a note from their Montreal radio station and how they had gotten a huge ratings boost since going on the air up there. He said CHOM was doing very well since putting him on the air. Howard went through that article and bragged about how popular they were up there already. He said that some people couldn't believe that the French people up there would be listening to Howard Stern after his anti-French rant he did on his first day on the air.

    Howard played a news report from up in Canada where they reported on his ratings up in Montreal. They were already looking to get him kicked off the air.

    Howard had to fart so he had Jackie pull his finger. He said he's been eating a lot of peanut butter lately and that's why he was farting. He also got in some plugs for Reebok since their clothes had been fitting him perfectly and he really liked likes them.

  • Comedian Nick DiPaolo Calls In. 10/28/1997. 8:15am
    Howard had comedian Nick DiPaolo on the phone. He was the comedian he was talking about seeing on The Tonight Show the night before. Nick told Howard he really appreciated the nice comments. He told some of the jokes he was telling that Howard liked. He was joking about staying in hotel rooms where the heat or air conditioning is on full blast and you end up with stuff in your nose like Triskets. He also made the whistling sound that his nose makes with that crap in his nose.

    Nick also told Howard about how he had some problems with this guy Bud Friedman. He said Bob Schimmel was involved in the court case he was involved with. There were four comedians total in that case. Howard actually guessed that Schimmel was part of that because he just figured he was the type of guy who would get into something like that.

    Nick told Howard how his buddy called him to let him know that he was talking about him this morning. He really appreciated what he was saying about him. He told Howard another story about how he had a glass thrown at him at a club he was at one time because of a joke he told. Howard thanked him for calling in and let him go a short time later. Jackie said he knows Nick but not all that well.

  • Doug Goodstein Calls In From Howard's Rest Stop. 10/28/1997. 8:20am
    Howard said that Doug Goodstein was down at his rest stop in New Jersey. Doug said they were trying to interview a few people down there but it wasn't all that busy. The rest stop was on Rt. 295 in New Jersey. Howard said he heard that the rest stop is a gay rest stop. One of the truck drivers told Doug that he was approached by a gay guy but there was no one around at this time. Doug said that there was one truck idling and one trailer but that was about it. Howard let him go a short time later.

    Howard had a kid on the phone who claimed that his father had dated Robin at some point. The kid told her his father's name and where he claimed to have dated her but she denied ever having dated a guy by that name. She said she was never a nurse in New Jersey like the kid's father claimed. Howard and Robin told the kid his father must have been lying to him. He let him go a short time later.

    Howard talked to the guys about getting some homeless guys for the Kreskin thing they had coming up late in the week. Stuttering John said that they had to pay the guys like $20 to get them to come in. John said he goes down to the unemployment office to pick up the homeless guys they use on the show. Howard thought that was actually a good idea.

    Howard mentioned that Alice (Crazy Alice), the woman who hates all black people, would be on the E! show. He had to go to break a short time later.

  • Captain Janks, Kenneth Keith And Crackhead Bob Visit. 10/28/1997. 8:35am
    Howard came back from break and played a prank call that Captain Janks made to Ed McMahon as Jim Carrey one time. He then moved on to a guy from Merryl Lynch who was giving them some advice on the stock market. It was actually Sal the Stockbroker pretending to be someone else. Howard hung up on him after he made some dopey comments not knowing it was Sal.

    Howard had Captain Janks, Kenneth Keith Kallenbach and Crackhead Bob come in next. He asked Fred to play the speech that Kenneth made for him one time that was pretty funny. Howard noticed a good looking girl who came in the studio and he was told that it was Bob's fiancee. He said she was way too hot for Crackhead Bob. He told Bob that she was beautiful.

    Crackhead Bob said that he wanted Howard to marry them. The girl's name was Nina but Bob could only say it as ''Dina.'' Nina said she loves Bob and she has not cheated on him. Howard had her stand up and said it looked like she lost weight. She said she's teaching dance and that helped her do that. Janks said that she's a good looking woman.

    Howard heard that Nina was cheating on Bob but if she swears she isn't then he'll have to take her word. The guy who claimed she was cheating had hung up the phone. Howard said that Bob was getting fat. He asked him if he was having lots of sex. He said he was but Howard heard that he was having trouble getting it up. Nina said it's not a problem now, they're getting it on just fine. Bob said that they're doing it once every couple of weeks.

    Nina told Howard that she's on birth control that keeps her from getting her period and getting pregnant. She said she doesn't get a period because of the shots she gets. She said that it reduces her sex drive though so it's not that great when it comes to that.

    Bob told Howard about how he has sex with Nina and mumbled some stuff to him. Howard had them kiss and after they did that he figured they were for real. He asked Nina if he's a good kisser or not. Nina said that he's good and told Howard to give it a try himself.

    Nina told Howard she dances for Bob so Howard asked her to demonstrate for them. She said she used to dance for the show ''the Grind'' so Howard thought it was kind of funny that she danced there but now dates Crackhead Bob. She danced and Bob had some moves of his own as she was dancing. Howard told them to sit down after that.

    Kenneth said that Nina could stand to lose about 20 pounds. She told Ken that he could gain 20. That seemed to confuse him. Kenneth told Howard about some post cards he had made up with his face on them. Howard talked about the time that Kenneth seconded his nomination for Governor of New York. He played the audio from that day and got a few laughs out of that.

    Howard also had some tape of Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith having a sleep over. He said that Ken taped himself slapping Janks in the face with dildos and stuff. Janks didn't know about that until Howard told him about it. He told Ken he'd better not fall asleep near him anytime soon.

    Howard asked Bob if he and Nina are going to get married anytime soon. They didn't have any plans so Howard wondered what was up with that. Nina said she doesn't want anything huge, just a little something nice. Howard asked Bob if he's afraid he's going to lose her if he doesn't marry her. Bob said he's not afraid of losing her at all. Janks said they really do seem to love each other when he hangs out with them off the air.

    Howard told Bob he thinks he had problems getting it up for Nina because of his crack use. She said it could have been her and maybe it wasn't Bob's problem. Howard seemed to think it was Bob's problem though. Howard asked him if he's ever done anal on her. Bob isn't interested in that. Nina also said that Bob doesn't like to give her oral but Bob said he does that all the time. He misunderstood and didn't know what they meant.

    Nina said that Bob sucks her toes so Howard said he wanted to see that. He told Bob to go ahead and do that. He put her whole foot in her mouth a short time later. Nina said that women should look into a person's heart and not just take them for what they think they are. That's why she's with Bob.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said he went to school with Nina and she was the hottest chick in school. He also said he heard that she was a psycho when she was going out with one guy who was in college when she was in high school. Howard said she didn't seem to be acting like a psycho today. The guy said she must be if she's going out with Bob.

    Howard noticed the ring that Nina had on her finger from Bob and it looked pretty nice. She was really engaged to him and Howard said he'd love to have seen her family's reaction to Bob being engaged to her. Howard asked Captain Janks and Kenneth Keith about the girls they've had and spent a minute on that.

    Howard asked if Bob's kids had met Nina yet. Bob said they had met her but he's not even able to visit them himself. He said he thinks that because he's on the show, his kids have a problem with him. Robin figured they were getting a little bit of ribbing from their classmates over him appearing on the show.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said that Captain Janks has been doing forgeries of Howard's autograph for books he was giving away. Janks asked him what club he had gone to where he won the book he was talking about but the guy couldn't remember. Janks figured he was full of crap and wasn't telling the truth. Howard wrapped up with them and went to break a short time later.

  • And Finally... 10/28/1997. 9:05am
    After the break Howard had Robin start her news. Howard spent some time talking to Jackie about the Stock Market because he seems to be into it. Jackie said he's really not but no one believed that. Howard took a call from Crazy Alice late in the news and told her she was going to be on the E! show. She went off on Robin a little bit and said that this was Howard's show and she shouldn't be talking to her. Alice said hello to her favorite person Fred and to Baba Booey as well. Howard wrapped up the show after that and ended it around 9:45am (Master Tape Theatre Time)

  ---

  -- Monday, October 27, 1997 (As replayed on Friday, May 18, 2007) --

  • Master Tape Theatre - October 27, 1997. 05/18/07. 6:00am
    This week's Master Tape Theatre was from October 27, 1997. This show was in my archives but not very detailed. I have written it up today with more details as if I were hearing it for the first time. The original write up is below this one.

  • No Fashion Award For Howard. 10/27/1997. 6:00am
    Show opening bits and songs included: ''Throw Yo Mama From The Train'' bit, Stone Temple Pilots performing ''Seven Caged Tigers'' live in Howard's studio, Jay Leno intro for Howard.

    Howard started off the show asking what happened at the VH-1 Fashion awards since he was nominated for an award. Fred said they're not supposed to air until Tuesday. Howard asked Robin if she knew if he won. She said she thinks that it would have made the news if he had. Howard figured it would have made the news and gotten some publicity for the show but they wouldn't want that.

    Howard said he got a satellite dish so he had to spend the weekend programming it. He said he's got about 500 channels so it's tough to find just what you want. He did that and then watched a lot of TV over the weekend.

    Robin said he should be happy that she's there, she had to be rescued this weekend. He told her to save that until after the break. He said they were there live, this wasn't a ''best of'' or anything like that. He went to break a short time later.

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  • Howard Causing Controversy In Canada. 10/27/1997. 6:15am
    After the break Howard played a news clip from a Canadian news report where they were talking about how the CBC might be removing Howard from the airwaves up there. They played a couple of clips of him joking around and making comments about passing gas through his ''smelly bunghole'' and things like that. They also talked about how remarkable his ratings were up there after he raised the station's ratings by 250 percent when they put him on in Montreal. The report goes over the code of ethics the station has and how they may be getting rid of Howard for violating them. They say there should be no abusive comments about the people.

    As the guys were listening to that report there was a lot of laughter coming from Howard and Jackie. Howard said he liked the report. He thinks that he's probably broken every law there. He asked for them to remove him from the air already, he's bored. He said they have a lot more of Canada to conquer after that. He and Robin talked about some of the jokes he said during the press conference they were pulling quotes from.

  • Robin Lost On A Horse For 3 Hours. 10/27/1997. 6:20am
    Robin said she went out horse back riding yesterday and got lost in the woods. She said she was with a friend, otherwise she'd probably still be out lost. Howard said he was out riding his bicycle and he always ends up getting lost too. He said he has to retrace his steps to get back. Robin said she was out for about 3 hours trying to find her way home. She said all of the trees looked the same and it was hard to find her way back. She said the horse actually led them out of the woods where they were lost. She said that they either ran into picnic grounds or dead ends. They even saw a map at one point but that didn't help them either.

    Howard said Robin's horse must have finally earned it's keep after getting her home. Robin said the horse just went up the hill that she thought they couldn't go up. She said she didn't want to go up the hill but the horse just went right up and over. She said she had people waiting for her in Manhattan because she wasn't supposed to be out in the woods like that. She said some people were sent out to find them because they were gone so long. She heard a megaphone asking if she was lost. They actually found her because they heard hear laughing out there.

    Howard said that he figures that they have about .005 percent of their listeners riding horses that can relate to her lifestyle. Robin said that they were lucky because it was starting to get cold out and her friend's feet were starting to freeze by the time they got out of there. Howard said they were probably just 100 yards from the barn and didn't even know it.

  • Howard Talks About This New Thing Called Satellite Radio. 10/27/1997. 6:25am
    Howard said he ran into a guy who was going to be running in the New York City Marathon and he just can't imagine doing something like that. He said he was going to run in a race this weekend but backed out because he didn't want people yelling at him as he was jogging along. He was registered under another name but figured that there would be photographers there trying to take his picture. He thought about it long and hard and decided to just stay home and watch satellite. He said he loves that satellite thing because the picture is amazing. He said that only 3 million people have this DSS but there's a new company out that's starting something called ''satellite radio'' and they're going to be able to stick digital radio in your car and there won't be any FCC problems with that. Howard said that you have to envision that for the future. He said that in 10 years from now it could be huge. He said that you'd have to get the radios into the cars and everywhere else. He said that you'd need this ''battery'' to put in your car but it's really a receiver. He said that would be the size of the receiver, something like the size of a quarter.

    Howard found the article he was reading about this ''satellite radio'' and how he thinks that it will create a bunch of new jobs and it'll be pretty good. He found some other interesting articles that he read while trying to find that satellite radio article. He read about JFK Jr. Suing a hair dresser or something like that. He eventually found the article about the satellite radio. The company was called ''CD Radio'' and they were racing to find a location for the studios. Howard said they were thinking of having the studios in New York City. Howard said they were saying they needed $500 million to get the company going. Howard thought that was a lot of money and it would take a while to finally get it out there.

    Howard said the satellite powered receivers would be about the size of a silver dollar. He thought it sounded pretty cool. Robin had many questions about it and wondered how the satellite thing would work because they do satellite stuff for the show and they only have a certain time to do it. Howard said that's because they rent time on the satellite to send out the signal for the affiliates.

  • Scott The Engineer's Curse Lifted? 10/27/1997. 6:35am
    Howard talked more about this JFK Jr. and the way he just leaves his woman and doesn't worry about it. He said he could never do that after the way his parents pounded things into his head. He and Robin spent a minute on that.

    Howard said that Scott the Engineer thinks that his jinx is gone now that he's placed a bet and won. They had a fan call in and have him bet his $100 on a team he wanted to lose and they ended up winning so Scott thinks his curse is gone. Howard said if it was Scott's own money and he had placed the bet himself, he would have lost.

    Howard had Gary come in to tell a story about a curse that's on the Cleveland Indians and where that all came from. Then Scott came in to talk about the bet he had won. Scott said it was his own money, the guy gave him the $100 so it was his money at that point. Stuttering John came in and said that they could bet on some games tonight if they wanted to. Howard asked Scott if he wanted to bet him with his own money. Scott said that he would pick the Dolphins but Howard told him he wasn't going to take the bet. He said he didn't have to take a bet if he didn't believe in it. He said that Scott is a loser and any bet he makes with him, he will lose. He has to take a bet that he likes though.

    Stuttering John told them that they could take another game so Howard said he'd do that. Scott said the game was a pot luck game and he didn't want to bet on it. Howard said he'd give Scott whichever team he wanted but Scott didn't want to go for it.

    Howard wanted to play cards against Scott so he told Gary to go get him a deck of cards. He spent a couple more minutes talking to Scott but said he had to take a break. Scott claimed that his mind went with his heart when he bet on one game that he lost on not too long ago. Fred did his impression of Scott and said ''My mind went with my hair'' and started laughing as he said that. The guys all goofed on Scott for a couple more minutes before Howard had to go to break.

  • Sam Kinison From Hell Replay. 10/27/1997. 6:55am
    Howard came back from break and replayed the clip of the phone call they had with Sam Kinison from Hell (Craig Gass). Here's what happened last week...
    • Sam Kinison Calls In From Hell. 10/22/97. 8:30am
      Every once in a while a telephone line falls on the grave of the late comedian Sam Kinison so he's able to call the show. If you don't believe that then a comedian who does an amazing impression of Sam calls in as Sam Kinison From Hell. Sam called in and talked a little bit about Lady Di and Gianni Versace being down there in Hell. He said that when Versace arrived in hell the only thing he said was ''Look what this guy did to my suit!''. Sam didn't want to talk too much about the death of Lady Diana but he did said that Dodi Fayed has cheated on Diana with 3 of Sam's ex-girlfriends. He also said that there is one good thing to come out of the death of Lady Di. He said that he has ''...one kick ass limo driver..'' Sam's connection was lost soon after that. The voice of Sam Kinison from Hell is played by comedian Craig Gass from Seattle.
    After playing that bit Howard moved on and talked about this men's magazine and how they have an article about hiking and stuff like that. He said that these days you don't need a compass like you needed years ago. Now people just bring their cell phones with them and if they get lost, they think they can just use the phone. He said there were some guys who ended up getting lost and it cost the taxpayers $60,000 in search parties to get them out of there.

  • Howard Takes Some Phone Calls. 10/27/1997. 7:00am
    Howard took a call from a guy who asked if it was true that there's a reported rift between Howard and David Bowie. Howard said he knew nothing about that if there was one. He said he's probably upset that he went on the Joan Rivers show and talked to Angie Bowie, David's ex-wife, and asked her to tell them something good. She then blurted out that she had caught David and Mick Jagger in bed together one time. Howard said he really respects his music and all of that. He said he really enjoyed his music over the years but he's not sure what happened to him. He said he thinks he's uptight about his bi-sexual past and that's why he might be kind of embarrassed by what came out about him. Howard said if Bowie comes on his show, he'd better do some of his old stuff and not that new crap of his.

    Howard took another call from a guy who said he became close friends with Tiny Tim toward the end of his life. He said he met him at an antique show one time and sat down and talked to him about his life. He said he would go to all of his shows and things like that. Howard figured that anyone could do that but the guy claimed he had Tiny Tim's teeth and could prove that he was close friends with him. Howard didn't care and hung up on the guy.

    Howard took another call from a guy who brought up Detroit and got Howard talking about that. He said he worked there for a while and knew how scary it could be there. Howard spent a short time talking about that.

    Howard took a call from Melrose Larry Green who said that he had some stuff that would blow him away. He said that he didn't want to mention names but there are some people on his station out in L.A. That are stealing from him and plagiarizing his show. Howard said that's common and he's used to that. Larry said that they use Great American Nightmare in their opening of the show. Howard said it is on an album so that's no big deal. Melrose went on to talk about the other things the show does to rip him off but Howard didn't want to hear it. He told Howard that their names were Conway and Steckler. Howard told Larry to get off his case and not call him to rile him up. He said he's already in therapy so he should just leave him alone.

    Howard said he had the governor of New Jersey on the phone and couldn't spend time with Melrose. Melrose told Howard that he's opening up for Jackie Mason at some comedy show. Howard said he didn't believe that so he asked him to tell some of his jokes. Melrose told Howard some of his jokes and Fred played a bomb dropping sound after each joke. Melrose said he does 8 minutes opening up for Jackie Mason and gave Howard about a minute of it. Howard told him he really should just take cyanide and get it over with. He hung up on him and moved on.

  • NJ Governor Whitman Calls In. 10/27/1997. 7:10am
    Howard had Governor Christine Whitman on the phone. He talked about how she kept all of the promises she made before she was elected and he was very proud of her for that. He said that he's going to endorse her again because of that and the fact that she didn't force the insurance companies to lower their rates. He said that if she had done that, it probably would have chased them out of the state. Governor Whitman said she agrees with that. Howard went on to complain about people filing phony insurance claims and how that causes rates to go up.

    Howard also talked to Governor Whitman about how he liked that she didn't push for this late term abortion ban that the right wing conservatives were pushing for. He also likes that she didn't sleep with Marv Albert. He also liked that she kept her promise to name a rest stop after him.

    Howard said he's going to wait until about 2 days before the election and then he'll start his push for Governor Whitman. He said if they get rid of her now, they'd be making a big mistake. He said that people don't really make up their minds until the last minute in elections. He said he liked the way Governor Whitman looked when he saw her on TV recently. She's been making herself up nicely these days. Governor Whitman said she'd be in next Monday and she was looking forward to that. Howard let her go a short time later.

    Howard said that Scott DePace was yelling about her not letting self-service gas stations in the state. He said that's the last thing Scott should be worrying about though. There are plenty of other issues that she's taking care of. Howard said the guy who is running against Whitman is and odd guy.

    Howard asked Scott DePace to come in to talk about his complaints. Scott said that Jersey has a lot of laws that are ridiculous. He said that there's a law against self-service gas stations and he doesn't like that. Howard told Scott that he's got a low IQ and shouldn't be arguing this stuff. Gary came in and said that Scott must be retarded because he pumped his own gas in New Jersey just recently. Scott told him he couldn't have been in New Jersey. Gary wondered what kind of complaint that is because that means you don't have to pump your own gas. Scott said that was just a minor complaint he had. He's got others as well. Howard told him that's ridiculous and told him he's insane.

    Howard said he had a guy on the phone who says that there is a law against the self-service thing in New Jersey. Howard told Scott he could talk to Governor Whitman about that next week when she comes in.

  • Satellite TV Discussions. 10/27/1997. 7:20am
    Howard got back to talking about satellite TV and how great the picture is. He said he has to use cable to get the local networks though so that's kind of messed up. He said they'll eventually work that out and they'll get the local channels on satellite TV. He said he loves it and how clear the picture is. He told Robin that he'll have to have her over to check it out sometime. Robin said that she asked Howard to come out and see her horse one time and he refused to touch it. Howard said that they're just big, dumb animals and he had no desire to touch it.

    Howard said Jackie was there with Robin's horse and he was bouncing on the thing unlike Robin bouncing along with the horse. He said Jackie was bouncing on it so hard it looked like it would hurt the horse. He said that you have to see Jackie on the horse, they must have tape of it because E! taped it. Howard said he did touch that horse at some point. He said he was involved with the horse's nutsack.

    Howard talked more about the satellite TV thing and how many cool TV shows there were to watch. He told Jackie that they have a new box now that lets you look at your menus and see TV at the same time. He said it's very cool stuff. He told Robin that he was watching a football game and also a national cheerleading competition. He said they are some hot broads in that competition. Gary said that the shows are usually sponsored by Tampax and that makes him feel kind of gay. Howard told him it's far from gay and he's watching it for the hot chicks.

    Howard talked about the stuff the commentators talk about during the competitions and how odd they can be. Gary said he's seen some high school cheerleading competitions as well. Gary said that there are a lot of ESPNs out there now and they have all of that stuff on there. The guys talked about some of the crazy channels they have out there now. Howard said he blocks out most of that stuff since he doesn't watch it.

  • Author With 3 Personalities, Jeanie Carpenter, Calls In. 10/27/1997. 7:30am
    Howard said that he had this woman Jeanie Carpenter coming on the show. She has 3 distinct personalities. Howard said they'll be talking to all three of them today. He got her on the phone a short time later after Fred played some horror movie music. Howard asked Jeanie if she's a kook. She said that she's not cuckoo at all. She claims that everyone has three personalities and wanted to explain what she meant. Robin asked if she qualifies for the carpool lane with those three personalities. Howard didn't want her to keep goofing on her like that.

    Howard asked Jeanie about what happened to her that made her like this. She said that she didn't really have the chance to develop when she was a child. She said that she wasn't molested or anything like that but her father was an alcoholic and he treated her very poorly. She said that they found their father passed out one time and that was a very traumatic event for her and her sister. She said that when she had a break down after all of that, she discovered all of her personalities.

    Howard wanted to talk to the different personalities separately but she said that probably wouldn't happen. She said that they're all integrated. Howard asked Jeanie if she had different types of clothing and things like that. She said she absolutely did and some personalities wouldn't touch the other's clothes. She said that she's all integrated now so those separate personalities don't come out like that anymore. Howard asked her if she ever woke up with a sore ass after one of the personalities went out and had anal. She said she doesn't remember if it ever did.

    One of Jeanie's personalities was called JJ and she was the promiscuous one who would go out and pick up guys. Jeanie said that everyone has similar personalities in them and that's what she writes about in her book ''Naked As We Stand.'' Howard said he was hoping that her personalities would all come out and start arguing with each other or something like that. Howard asked her how she wrote the book if she doesn't know what her other personalities did. She said she was able to do it years ago. She said they told her there was nothing physically wrong with her and it was all from not developing normally as a child.

    Howard took a call from a woman who claims she's got 3 personalities as well. Howard asked her if one of them is a whore. She said ''oh fuck yeah'' to that. Howard asked her a few questions about that but he said he was getting confused by it all so he gave up on it and let both of the women go.

    Howard took a call from a guy who said that this is just an excuse for those women to go act like whores. Howard agreed with him. The caller also said that he thinks that anyone can write a book now that he's heard that woman. He also said he feels like going out and being a whore right now. Howard had to go to break after that.

  • Frightening Technology - Baby Monitors. 10/27/1997. 7:55am
    After the break Howard had Steve Grillo in the studio. He asked him to keep quiet because he has no personality. He told Steve he could leave for now until he gets to his Fashion Awards coverage. He said he had this guy on the phone who says that these baby monitors that are out now will allow you to pick up neighbor's monitors. Howard got the guy on the phone and asked him what happened to him. The guy said that they were actually picking up a phone conversation on their baby monitor. He said that the two girls that were on the phone were lesbians and they were arguing about their sleeping arrangements.

    Gary said that he can pick up his neighbor's baby monitor in his house. He figures that they can hear them as well so they make sure they never say anything in front of the monitor. Howard said that one time a listener called in and said that he had heard Stuttering john on the phone with someone so he called in and repeated the conversation verbatim. Jackie didn't know about that and he was the one on the other end of the phone.

    Howard talked about how Gary used to be treated really poorly by this woman at NBC when he worked for her. Gary said that she used to yell at him all the time but she'd never curse over the two-way radio. Gary said one day he got a phone call from a guy who said he could hear those conversations and Gary should tell her to go fuck herself. Gary said that it's nice that someone knows how he's getting yelled at, that way he's not alone.

    Howard said that NBC would go through this whole thing to make it seem like that woman was doing news reports when it was actually Gary feeding her information from the station. They also talked about the people they had who would volunteer to call in the traffic information back then.

    Stuttering John came in and said it was really weird to have people telling them about conversations they've had on their cordless phones. Gary said that he heard a story about Madonna that was apparently spread after people heard her talking on a cordless phone.

    Gary had another story to tell as well. He tried to sell an apartment but he wasn't able to sell it so he sublet it out to a woman. He said that he rented it out to this woman and went over to check it out to clean it up. He asked the woman if he could have his cleaning lady over there. She said that was fine so he sent her there. She said that he called the woman to leave a message forgetting that his cleaning lady was there. Then the cleaning lady picked up and told him how messy it was there. He told her he knew that and that's why she was there, the woman was a pig. Then he heard the answering machine squeal and realized that the woman was going to hear the answering machine message. He got a call from her later laughing telling him that she'd heard the message.

  • Debbie Gibson And Kreskin Discussions. 10/27/1997. 8:05am
    Howard said they asked Debbie Gibson to do the show but they wanted her to do a song parody for them. They came up with a song parody called ''Candle in my C**t.'' He played the song and explained that she didn't want to do it. He said they're writing even more songs for her now because she didn't want to do that one. He said she really wants to come in but on her own terms. He said that he knows what's better for her than even she does so that's why he's not letting her come in unless she sings one of these songs. He said this is the only way she's going to be able to change her image.

    Howard played a new Crackhead Bob History moment. This one was Bob as a bus driver and an air traffic controller. Howard took a phone call after that. The caller asked how he could get in on this show they're doing on Friday. Howard said they were going to go out trick or treating but things aren't working out very well for that. He said that they have this bus that they can use to go around doing that but there are a lot of things that could interfere with the broadcast. He said he gave up on that idea after hearing all of the negatives. He said he thinks that other shows do that stuff all the time and he's thinking that it's all about money.

    Howard said that he doesn't want to pre-tape the event, he wants it to be live. The caller asked about the thing they're doing with Kreskin later this week. He said that Kreskin is going to come in and have some guest channel the real Sam Kinison. He said they have nothing to do with what Kreskin is planning. Howard said he always thought Kreskin set that stuff up but he heard that they never did. Howard said he heard that Kreskin was always good at being very observant at what people do so that's how he's been able to do these tricks he's done.

    Howard said he wants to see how Kreskin pulls this whole thing off because he's fascinated by it. He asked Gary to get him on the phone so he could ask him about it. Gary tried to get him on the line so they could talk to him. Howard said he'd like to talk to Kreskin's mother because he still lives at home with her. Gary said that they got an answering machine so they had to leave a message for him.

    Howard said that they have to get 5 people down there to the studio and he's thinking that they have to be girls. Robin said that they should have a costume contest to pick the winners to come in there. A caller told Howard he worked for a TV show that shot a Kreskin trick one year and they had about 20 people picked at random and they had tables flying around the room and stuff like that. The people were just picked randomly so he's not sure how he managed to make that happen. He said they bought the tables, but Kreskin picked the people from the crowd. Howard said that Kreskin is letting them pick the people this time.

  • Steve Grillo At The VH-1 Fashion Awards. 10/27/1997. 8:20am
    Howard brought up the VH-1 Fashion awards and said that Steve Grillo went down there to interview some people. He had Steve come back in and then played some of his interviews. Steve spoke to Montel Williams and asked him a couple of questions that he didn't answer. Howard said he doesn't understand anything Grillo says and he wants to be an actor. Howard goofed on Steve a little bit about that. He said that Steve did get a bit part in a TV show though. It was just a one liner in NYPD Blue. Steve said he was also in the movie ''Silent Prey'' which he got on his own. Howard figured he was getting these parts because of his show.

    Howard played another interview that Steve did with Dennis Hopper. Steve was yelling for him to come over to him. He asked him a couple of questions and Hopper answered most of them no problem. Then Steve asked Norm MacDonald some questions. Norm wondered why he got Steve to interview him. He said he'd rather have Stuttering john. Michael Moore was also interviewed by Steve. He asked him to sing a little of his favorite John Denver song and Moore sang for him. Moore wouldn't stop singing as Steve was asking him some other questions.

    Steve asked Fiona Apple a question and she flipped out on him about the question. Howard said Grillo got kicked out after that so he played some audio of that. The other press people were yelling at security to let him stay but they kicked him out anyway. Steve said there really weren't any good people coming to the press room. That led to him talking more about the part he had on NYPD Blue. His line was ''Rope head scumbags, we've got exits on the front side and the back.'' He mumbled through it so Howard and the guys goofed on him about the way he delivers his lines. Howard wondered if Amy Heckerling was hearing all of this stuff because she's a director.

  • Director Amy Heckerling Visits. 10/27/1997. 8:30am
    Howard talked about some of the movies that Amy Heckerling has directed and how great a couple of them were. She worked on Fast Times at Ridgemont High and Clueless which are a couple of Howard's favorites. Gary brought Amy in a short time later. Howard said he thought she was some old woman but she's good looking and not so old. He had her sit down and told her he was chubbing up seeing her.

    Howard asked Amy why she has Gilbert Gottfried over to her apartment for dinner. She explained how she had been engaged to Bronson Pinchot for a while so Howard got sidetracked talking to her about him. He asked her if he's big in the pants. Amy just laughed. She said they started going out after he came in and read for her one time. Robin asked her if she's seen his new TV show. She told them that he moved out on her one night that she was out working on a movie and hasn't seen him since.

    Howard had Gilbert Gottfried on the phone so he had the two of them talk about why they had dinner together. Howard figured that Gilbert was going there trying to get into Amy's pants. Gilbert said he was actually trying to meet Bronson Pinchot. Howard brought up the recent call they got from Amy's babysitter because she was so upset with the way Gilbert acts in front of her. Amy said that Gilbert is a sick person and it's not clear where to draw the line with him. Amy said that Gilbert asked her 12 year old daughter about having hair down below and he used the C-word describing it.

    Howard asked Gilbert why he would do such a thing to a 12 year old. Gilbert said he called Amy's house one day and the babysitter got on the phone first. He did an impression of her talking to him and said that the daughter started laughing at her. He said that eggs it on even more. Amy said she kind of likes that this is going on at her home. Howard asked Gilbert if he thought it was inappropriate to ask something like that of a 12 year old. He said he does like to get to know people, so that's why he did it.

    Amy said that Gilbert is the kind of guy who will insult the audience until they're all gone and then stand there telling jokes to make himself laugh. She said a guy like that isn't all there. Howard asked Amy what her daughter did when Gilbert asked all of those questions. She said that she told him that his career was over and he was down to just doing Cheerios commercials.

    Gilbert said he's had Amy's babysitter call him at 3 in the morning to yell at him about the comments he's made about the Jews. He said she'll even put the 12 year old on the phone to yell at him too. Amy said she's kind of torn because she knows Gilbert can't help it but he is saying it to her 12 year old daughter. Gilbert said that they've left messages on his machine that he couldn't even play on the air. Gilbert said that he can really upset the babysitter, Barbara, by saying something pretty tame. They just keep getting on the phone even after he says that stuff though.

    Howard let Gilbert go and got back to Amy. He told Steve Grillo he could leave too because Amy wasn't going to hire him. He went on to ask Amy about the movie Clueless and how that all came about. She told Howard that she wrote the movie just so she could get something made. She said she had to come up with something really happy so that's the movie she came up with. Howard told her that it was one of the funniest movies out there and he can't believe she came up with it. He asked if she had anything to do with the TV show. She said she was involved the first year but after that she was out. She said she really liked Alicia Silverstone for the part. Howard asked her if she has a moustache. She said it's just the shape of her mouth, it's not a moustache. Howard said it really looked like she had one in the Batman movie she was in.

    Howard asked Amy how long it takes to write a movie like Clueless. She said it took about 3 months. She also talked about how she got involved with ''Fast Times at Ridgemont High.'' Howard said she must be really talented and he's very impressed with her. He asked her who she had the kid with. She said it was a guy who wrote ''Police Academy.'' Howard said that he's impressed with these power couples that are out there.

    Howard told Amy about the time Gilbert was in the hospital and the only visitors he had were him and Robin. He said no one in the press picked up that he was in the hospital even though Gilbert was afraid they were going to. After months of no press Gilbert asked him to say something on the air so maybe someone would take notice. Howard said he sent some people like Dice and Belzer to go visit Gilbert but Belzer just sat there and read the paper while he was there.

    Howard said Gilbert asked him to get a thermometer for him that read digitally. He puts on his regular voice when he makes calls like that so Howard was doing an impression of that. He said Gilbert got all philosophical with him when he thought he was dying. Howard said he wondered what Gilbert was going to do if he left comedy after all of that.

    Howard said he had Kreskin on the phone but he wanted to put that off until tomorrow. Gary told him it was important so Howard tried to get him on the line. He wasn't having any luck at first but he eventually got him on. Kreskin told Howard that he was calling from Resorts in Atlantic City and last night he lost some money. He said he had 30 bucks left and went and won 21 hands in a row which was very unusual. He had Security standing next to him while that was going on. Howard didn't think that was earth shattering news like he was saying it was. Gary said Kreskin will call him and tell him news like that and it's just big news for Kreskin. He said that Kreskin told him that it was going to make the headlines.

    Howard moved on and talked to Kreskin about this thing they're doing on Friday. Howard asked how many people he wants. Kreskin wants 30 or 40 people so he can pick from that group. Howard said that would be fine with him and said he'd get them for him. Kreskin said he'll pick about a dozen from that group and do his trick. Kreskin said that they're going to try and channel Sam Kinison but if they can't get him, something crazy will happen.

    Howard let Kreskin go and got back to Amy. He said he really didn't know how good looking she was. He asked her what she's working on now. She said she's directing ''Night at the Roxbury'' but Howard didn't get how they could make that into a whole movie. She said it's actually a very sweet movie. Howard asked her if she's dating the short guy, Chris Kattan, from the movie. She asked why he would ask that and that made Howard think that she was. He had pulled something out of the and got it right. She wouldn't talk about that with him but he swore that he didn't set that up. He swore on the life of his children that he didn't know anything, he just guessed at it. Robin didn't believe him but he kept swearing on the life of his kids that he did just guess.

    Howard said he had to take a break and was about to when Tom Chiusano came in to remind him to take a break. Howard told him to get out and said that he was going to do another hour without a break just because he had come in like that. He spent a few more minutes talking to Amy about her movies and then talked to her friend Jay who was sitting in the studio. He talked to him and found out he's been friends with Amy since college. He's never boned her though.

    Howard told Amy she seems very sad, like most directors. He wondered if she was on her period today or something. She laughed and said she wasn't on it but he thought she was lying about that. Howard had Amy's babysitter Barbara on the phone after that. She said that she and Amy are on the same schedule for their periods and she knows she's not on it right now. Howard was going to let her go but Gilbert was on the phone so he kept her on.

    Howard let Barbara and Gilbert go at each other a little bit since it was so funny. Gilbert said he calls the house and asks Barbara to put the daughter on the phone and she'll put her right on and then he'll say that he wants to apologize and she'll put her back on. Then she'll ask him why he says things like that to a 12 year old. Barbara was explaining herself but Gilbert was telling Howard about the things he does to her to jerk her around. He was also doing an impression of her and goofing on the way she puts the 12 year old right back on the line when he asks her to. Howard said this is the movie she has to make, Gilbert and Barbara doing their phone thing.

    Howard let Gilbert keep going with his Barbara impression. He continued to make fun of her so Howard asked Barbara if it's true that she looks like him. She said she has his hair but that's it, she's been told she looks like Grace Slick. Gilbert was going a little too far with his comments so Amy asked him to stop. Howard decided to wrap up with Gilbert at that point but then Barbara had more to say. He kept Gilbert on the phone and let him goof on her accent even more. Howard and the guys were laughing as that was going on. Amy's friend Jeff was laughing pretty hard as well. Howard told Amy that this was her biggest nightmare.

    Howard let Gilbert and Barbara go and got back to Amy. She talked about how Bronson left her while she was shooting a movie and he left the house a mess. He had gotten mad at her for some reason and that's why he left. Howard spent a couple of minutes talking about that and then wrapped up and went to commercial.

  • And Finally... 10/27/1997. 9:25am
    Howard came back from break and talked about how cute Amy was. Robin said she found her very interesting too. Fred said it was totally unexpected to see how cute she was. Jackie was saying that he thought she was sexy but he was mumbling his lines. Howard said he does that when he puts on his sexy voice.

    Robin got into her news after that. She talked about John Denver's death and how it's led to his albums getting back into the top 10 album sales. Howard said he should have killed himself 20 years ago if that's the case. He told Jackie to do the same and maybe he could sell some more records. He said it would be funny if Jackie did that and didn't sell any albums.

    Howard had Robin get back to her news and had her finish up a short time later. They ended the show around 10:10am (Master Tape Theatre time).

  ---

  -- Monday October 27, 1997 --

• Robin's Adventure In Horseback Riding. 10/27/97. 6:25am
  Robin had to be rescued from a horseback ride this weekend. She was out riding with a friend when they got lost. They were only supposed to be out for about an hour but ended up walking around in circles for another 2 hours. They were eventually found by a search party who heard Robin's laugh through the woods. Someone with a megaphone called out to Robin and her friend ''..Are you lost?..'' when they heard Robin's distinctive chuckle. Robin also said that her horse knew his way back better than she did. He actually went in a direction that Robin didn't want to go in. Way to go Blaze!

• New Jersey Governor Christie Whitman Calls In. 10/27/97. 7:20am
  Christie Whitman called in to talk to Howard for a few minutes this morning. Howard backed her in the last election and she won so she must be coming back for his support once again. Howard thinks that she's doing a great job now so he's going to back her again. She said that she'll be coming on the show in person sometime in the very near future.

• Woman With 3 Personalties Calls In. 10/27/97. 7:50am
  Jeannie Carpenter, author of ''Naked As We Stand'', has 3 personalities and she wrote about them in her book. Howard spoke to her about her personalities while she was on the phone. She didn't get into to much detail about the other 2 personalities because she doesn't know exactly what they do when she's not around. She really didn't reveal anything that great during the interview. Maybe there's more in her book. She said that the book can be ordered from Borders book stores.

• Steve Grillo At The VH-1 Fashion Awards. 10/27/97. 8:45am
  I guess Stuttering John is laying low for a while since he gets kicked out of most everything he attends. Now Steve Grillo has been chosen as the celebrity interviewer. His luck isn't much better than John's but he did get a few interviews at the VH-1 Fashion Awards which were taped this past weekend. Grillo got interviews with Montel Williams, Dennis Hopper, Norm MacDonald, Michael Moore and Fiona Apple. The questions all seemed to be generic's that they used for each interview. Here are a few of them:
  • What the dilli yo? (a reference to Busta Rhymes appearance and song)
  • How long does it take to get your partner ready for sex?
  • Can you sing a little bit of your favorite John Denver song?
  Montel Williams didn't play along for long. He kind of ran away after Grillo asked about the sex partner thing. Dennis Hopper played along just blurting out answers. Norm MacDonald just couldn't believe that Grillo was asking the questions. He thought that he deserved a Stuttering John interview at least. He didn't even answer any of the questions. Michael Moore went right into a few John Denver songs when asked to sing his favorite and he didn't sound half bad! Grillo asked Fiona Apple about one of her videos and she went off on one of her rambling speeches again just like she did on the MTV Video Music Awards show. After all of the interviews were played Howard had some tape of Grillo getting kicked out of the press room. People were chanting ''LET HIM STAY, LET HIM STAY'' but it turned out to be Doug from E! who started the chant. Somehow all the discussion turned to Grillo's acting career. He somehow got a one line part in ''NYPD Blue''. Howard goofed on him about that for a little while and then moved on to the Amy Heckerling interview.

• Director Amy Heckerling Comes In. 10/27/97. 9:00am
  Amy Heckerling, director of such movies as ''Clueless'' and ''Fast Times At Ridgemont High'', came in to hang out with Howard. Howard is a big fan of Amy's and he was kissing her ass like crazy this morning. If you heard the show last week when Gilbert Gottfried was on you may have heard a German woman yelling at him about making fun of the holocaust. That woman is Amy's baby sitter. Amy used to have Gilbert over to her house for dinner and that's how Gilbert met the baby sitter. Well Howard had Gilbert on the phone again today because he heard that Gilbert asked Amy's 12 year old daughter if she was growing hair where the sun don't shine. Amy's interview eventually turned into Gilbert and the baby sitter yelling at each other once again. Howard was laughing at Gilbert like crazy. Gilbert was doing his impression of the baby sitter's accent and Howard was in stitches. Eventually Howard got away from the Gilbert conversation and back to Amy. He found out that she used to date Bronson Pinchot but they recently broke up. Now she's directing ''Night At The Roxbury''. It's based on the Saturday Night Live sketch with the three guys who go to all the clubs and bounce their heads like morons. Howard said that he'd never think that a movie like that would be good but Amy is directing it so it must be good. Howard also found out that Amy may be dating Chris Katan from Saturday Night Live. He just came up with the question out of nowhere and Amy didn't say no to it. Howard was amazed by his psychic abilities if you want to call it that.

  ---

  -- Friday October 24, 1997 (Replayed on Master Tape Theatre Marathon, Friday, November 23, 2012) --

• Howard Receives Replica Penis From ''Boogie Nights''. 10/24/97. 6:40am
  The guys who designed the prosthetic penis that Mark Wahlberg wears in the movie ''Boogie Nights'' came in to present Howard with a replica. The movie deals with adult films in the 1970's and Wahlberg plays a character with a huge penis. The guys from KNB Effects Group produced a brand new prosthetic from the same mold used for the movie. They presented it to Howard this morning. Howard took it and stuck it in his pants to see what it would be like to have a big penis. He felt proud. He was looking in a mirror and said that he was now standing erect. No more hunching over...he was proud. He said that if he was actually that big he'd do the show with it hanging out.

• Ed Asner On The Phone. 10/24/97. 7:05am
  A few years ago Howard talked to Ed Asner about a guy on death row. Ed and some other celebrities were trying to save the guy from the death penalty for some reason. Today Howard talked to Mr. Asner because the guy he was trying to save was killed by lethal injection this week. Howard kind of wanted to rub it in. Mr. Asner seems to think that Howard is evil because he believes in the death penalty. They spoke for a little while about the whole thing but there are so many details about the case that it's hard to keep track.

• Jenny McCarthy Comes In. 10/24/97. 7:25am
  The beautiful yet, annoying as hell Jenny McCarthy came in this morning to plug her book ''Jen-X'' which is in stores now. Jenny has avoided Howard's show in the past because she was afraid that her mother would find out about her breast implants. In the mean time her mother found out because she's not as dumb as Jenny thought. Jenny was co-host of ''Singled Out'' on MTV for a few seasons before getting her own show on NBC this season. And before all of that she was a Playboy Playmate. She seemed to be a little bit toned down this morning. She wasn't quite as annoying as she usually is. Howard spent about 30 minutes or so with her talking about everything from her bathroom habits to how many sex partners she's had. She turned out to be a better guest than I thought she would. She didn't hesitate to talk about anything that Howard asked her. Jenny also has a sister who is a huge fan of Howard's. That sister, Lynette, called in because Jenny was supposed to bring her to meet Howard. Jenny said she has been doing so much that she didn't think it was a good time for her to come in. Lynette also has breast implants by the way. Howard crammed a hell of a lot into the 30 minute segment. It was overwhelming. Jenny's manager is also her boyfriend. He's 49 years old, she's 24. Howard talked to him for a little bit also. Most of the stuff they talked about is in the ''Jen-X'' book.

• The Mike Walker Game. 10/24/97. 8:15am
  No time wasted today, they got right to the game since there was so much happening on the show. Here are the 4 stories, one of which is false.
  1. John Travolta has been upset lately because he almost bought an airplane like the one John Denver was flying when he crashed and died.
  2. A woman who locked her keys in her car one evening was helped out by a man in a baseball cap. The man broke into her car with the oil dipstick. The woman didn't know who it was until she got in her car and the light shined on his face. It turned out to be Kevin Costner.
  3. Comedian Drew Carey was heckled by some guy at a comedy club. The guy was kicked out but waited for Carey outside. They got in a fight but when Drew tackled him to the ground the guy said he was just upset because he was having marital problems. Drew, the nice guy that he is, drove the guy home.
  4. David Hasslehoff from ''Baywatch'', who's a big music star in Germany, wants to get his singing career going in the U.S. So he wants his character to start singing in nightclubs on the show. The other producers of the show say no way.
  Stuttering John was playing today and he chose number 2 as the false story, Jackie also chose number 2, Robin chose 4 and Howard picked number 1. The actual false story was number 2.

• Tommy Lee On The Phone. 10/24/97. 8:40am
  Howard talked to Tommy Lee about the home video he recently watched. Howard was amazed by the stolen tape of Tommy Lee and his wife Pamela Lee. The tape was stolen from Pam and Tommy's home not too long ago and now it's made it's way on to the web. The tape was home video shot by Tommy and Pam while doing things together including having sex. Tommy has a huge penis and Howard is very impressed with the size of it. Today he called it ''The eighth wonder of the world''. Howard spent 25 minutes talking to Tommy about the tape and how entertaining it was. Howard thinks that it's wrong to steal something so personal but he couldn't stop watching it. He even told Tommy that he showed it to a couple of guys last night. Tommy said that he couldn't talk much about who stole it or what's being done about it but he's got some people working on it. Tommy is out touring with Motley Crue right now. Pamela will be on the show next week.

• Mark Harris Comes In. 10/24/97. 9:20am
  The always annoying Mark Harris and his ex-boyfriend David from Germany came in this morning. They were supposed to perform some of their horrible music on the show but they lost a cassette tape or some crap like that. David is a violinist that Mark had a short relationship with a few months ago. They're not doing that anymore and David says that he's not gay and he's not bi-sexual although he did do things to Mark when they met. They said that they sleep in the same bed even now but they don't do anything to each other. These two will be back on November 11 to perform their horrible music so I won't waste any more space writing about it today.

  ---

  -- Thursday October 23, 1997 --

• Steve Grillo Interviews Alec Baldwin. 10/23/97. 6:20am
  Howard played tape of an interview Steve Grillo did with actor Alec Baldwin. Alec wouldn't answer any of the questions. He just told Steve that he would make noises to answer. Grillo asked him things like:
  • Should Princess Diana have punched out the paparazzi like you did?
  • How do you avoid your brother Steve?
  • Howard has a problem he wants to know how can Howard avoid Steven?
  Alec just gave fake laughs for answers until the one about Howard avoiding Steven when it sounded like he really laughed. I'm sorry if the questions aren't to the word but I didn't get them on tape. I'm working off my horrible memory.

• Author Dr. David Leiberman On The Phone. 10/23/97. 7:15am
  Dr. David Leiberman, author of ''Instant Analysis'' called in to talk about his book. The book looks at things like why people stare at themselves in the mirror, why they arrive early to appointments, why they misplace keys and crap like that. The book seemed to focus on a lot of problems that Howard has. He was interested to hear why he did some of these things. At one point in the conversation a guy called in and said that Dr. Leiberman is a fraud. He seemed very upset with the Dr. and told Howard that he stole the ideas for his book from his twin brother. Dr. Leiberman denied all of the guys claims though. The book is available in bookstores everywhere.

• Guy Who Will Kill His Step-Father For A Private Parts Package. 10/23/97. 7:45am
  Some guy called in and said that he'd be willing to kill his Baptist Minister step-father for a Private Parts Prize package. He said that his step-father has been getting his church to sign a petition to get Howard thrown off the air. He's not too happy with that so he said he'd bump him off if Howard would give him a Private Parts Prize package. Howard doesn't condone violence so he talked the guy out of doing it but gave him another idea. He told him to just make a fool out of the guy in front of his church. The guy on the phone said that his step-father beats him also. Howard told him to tell the people of the church that little fact to make a fool out of him. Maybe he'll end up killing him anyway.

• Sternac The Improbable. 10/23/97. 8:10am
  Howard did his best Johnny Carson impression by doing Sternac The Improbable this morning. Al Rosenberg came in to play the part of Ed McMahon. Sternac gives the answer first then opens an envelope to reveal the question. Here they are:
  • Potholes - What was Howard Sterns pet name for girls he banged in college by getting them high?
  • A pound of flesh - What did they find in Marv Albert's teeth?
  • Wives, wives and wives - Give three reasons the howard stern show goes to scores.
  • Make room for daddy - What did one of Robin Quivers thighs say to the other?
  • World wide web - What would a spider have to make to cover Oprah's ass?
  • Denver, Colorado - Name an un-missed folk singer and an unimportant state.
  • KKK Mart - Where will Stuttering John work after Howard Stern fires him?
  • Meals on wheels - What do cannibals call christopher reeve?
  • Passed the buck - What did Rosie O'Donnell do an hour after eating a whole deer?
  • Seven Days In Tibet - What would seem shorter than a 5 minute discussion with Fred Norris?

• Celebrity Interviews From California. 10/23/97. 8:45am
  Some guy out in California by the name of Gary went out and got a few interviews for Howard. He interviewed Bill Mahr, Damon Wayans and Brian of the Mark and Brian radio show. Here's what he asked Bill Mahr:
  • How are your ratings? - ''Fine''
  • Have you ever dated a prostitute? - ''According to The Star''
  • Were you in an auto accident? - ''No''
  • Who hit you with an ugly stick? - ''No answer''
  Ouch! That last one hurt. Next up was Damon Wayans:
  • Do you sleep with white women? - ''No''
  • Would you rather be gay or sleep with Whoopi Goldberg? - ''..what are you doing tonight?'' he said to Gary
  • What do you think of Howard Stern? - ''He's an ugly asshole who's funny at being an asshole.''
  The last interview was with Brian from the Mark and Brian show which used to compete with Howard in the Los Angeles ratings. They're really not competition anymore. Gary asked one question: ''Who's the pitcher and who's the catcher?'' but Brian didn't want to answer. He has a very feminine voice. He said ''..leave me alone..'' when Gary kept after him. Howard goofed on his voice for a little bit.

• Goofing On Jenny McCarthy. 10/23/97. 9:00am
  Jenny McCarthy is coming in tomorrow but Howard has been goofing on her for quite some time. Jenny is a really good looking blonde who was in Playboy and co-hosted MTV's ''Singled Out'' for a couple of seasons. Now she has a show on NBC. Howard pulled some audio clips from her Playboy video to play this week. Today he played some and ended up goofing on her dopey answers. It still remains to be seen whether she'll show up tomorrow.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 22, 1997 (As replayed on Master Tape Theatre - Sunday, January 11, 2009 and Sunday, December 27, 2009)--

  • Master Tape Theatre - October 22, 1997. 01/11/09. 3:00 pm
    Today's Master Tape Theatre replay was from October 22, 1997. This begins a new season of MTT, I'm Michael I'll be covering it for you once again this year. This show was not completely covered in Mark's archives, so I did a full write up. (Mark's original write up is below this one.)

    Show opening bits include Sugar Ray's cover of Psychedelic Bee, and a Letterman intro from Howard's appearance just after Private Parts was released.

  • Howard's Cold, Canadian Government Upset, World Series Discussions. 10/22/97. 3:00 pm
    Howard started off the show complaining about the cold, he mentioned that Sam Kinison would be calling in ''live from hell'', Gilbert Gottfried would be in, and also breast exams would take place.

    Howard said he had a lot of bits today and that he wanted to get to them in a timely fashion. He said he had a lot of stuff lying around. Robin mentioned that she was watching baseball late into the night last night. Howard was amazed at her lack of sleep. Howard had to go to break after that.

    Howard then played the bumper with a bunch of gospel singers singing about him. Howard got to Greg on the phone. Greg said that on Canada there's major discussion going on about pulling the Stern show off the air. Howard was having problems with the equipment in the studio. Howard said the CRTC (Canadian FCC) was angry with him for saying he doesn't like ''French stuff.'' He said there's already indication they are the number 1 show in Canada. He said an article from Canada lists him as getting the highest complaint count in history. The article went on to say that the Canadian government is looking like it will not regulate the Howard Stern show. Howard then played a song parody of Randy Newman's Short People making fun of French people. He said it wasn't very funny, but it just goes to show you how much time some people have on their hands. The song wasn't very funny, but Jackie was having a great time in the back.

    Howard moved on to talking about the World Series and how the ratings are low. He said that he's interested in it and he's not really a big baseball guy. Gary said he was up late watching it and it was only at the 4th inning by 10:30 EST. They discussed the results of the game for a few minutes, Florida ended up winning the game the previous night. Gary continued to vent about how late the games go. Howard talked about how there's nothing worth staying up late for and that it's much better to just get some sleep.

  • Callers Want Group Sex. 10/22/97. 3:20 pm
    Howard moved on to the phones, there was a woman on who wants group sex with multiple girls and multiple guys. The girl went on describing herself and then her friend got on the phone to describe herself. Howard asked who they looked like but they wouldn't say. Howard asked them to kiss each other. He said that he'd orgy with them but they said they wanted Fred. Howard found it hard to believe they can't find guys if they're as good looking as they say.

    A guy called in and claimed he wanted to orgy with them. The girls seemed interested, and then the guy offered to bring his friend. The girl on the phone said no guys she knows want to get together with each other. Howard said they should invite guys over to watch the game and then start the orgy. Howard asked if they looked like Laverne and Shirley, but they claimed that one looked like Jodie Foster. Howard asked them to kiss each other right then and there. Then he asked them what they were wearing. The girls claimed to kiss but Howard didn't buy it and had them go for more. He convinced them to try it. The girls then asked about sex toys to use on guys and Howard told them to try a butt plug. He hung up with them a short time later.

    Howard then went on to tell a story about a girl he used to have sex with 5 times a day that said she was an actress. Howard said they did everything to each other, even having sex in the tub. He said one day this other girl came over that he had had sex with months prior to the 5 times a day girl and a whole bunch of people were in the house. People started making out and Howard's girlfriend took her top off and an orgy almost ensued, but Howard didn't want that at all so he said ''forget it.'' Howard said later on he found out this girl was dating a guy with a gigantic penis and she won't talk to him anymore. Howard had to go to break shortly after that.

  • Naked Photos of Celebrities, Debbie Gibson Refuses To Perform Howard's Songs. 10/22/97. 3:50 pm
    Howard said he likes High Society magazine because they have balls printing naked photos of celebrities like Pam Anderson, Elle McPhereson, Liz Hurley, Cindy Crawford, and Sharon Stone.

    Howard said they're really, really brave for printing upskirt pics of the late Princess Diana.(She had only been dead about 2 weeks at the time of this show). Jackie could barely breathe he was enjoying the pictures so much. Howard said they have great photos of Farrah Fawcett.

    Howard said that they were supposed to have Debbie Gibson on, he wrote some songs for her to sing since she wants to change her image. Howard said he wrote one called ''Hail To Satan''. Debbie refused to do the songs. Howard said she wanted to perform her own ''wild song'' but it was horribly non-wild. Howard said he sent her his own wild song for her to sing. It was a parody of Elton John's 'Candle In the Wind' about using a candle to pleasure yourself. He played the song and it got big laughs. Howard couldn't believe she didn't want to do the song.

    Howard then started talking about how people are cruelly clubbing seals in Canada again. Howard said any guy who could club a pup is a ''real man.'' Howard was laughing about Asians who use seal penis as an aphrodisiac.

  • Howard Plays With The New Rosie O'Donnell Doll, Takes Some Calls. 10/22/97. 4:00 pm
    Howard had the new Rosie O'Donnell doll and he was playing clips from it and laughing at them. It had phrases such as ''Help, my fat ass is stuck in the toilet,'' and ''If I don't get bacon I'll kill someone.'' Everyone had a good time with that. Howard said they had breast exams coming up.

    Howard got back to talking about the seals for a little bit. There was a caller who wanted to talk about an advertiser who was giving away breast implants or something. Neither Howard nor the girl knew exactly what it was. Howard played a clip of a man talking about breast enhancement and enlargement.

    Some guy was on the phone acting like he knew where Howard lived and saying that courtesy flushing was bad for you. The guy said that he knows Howard lives next door to a ''junkyard king.'' Howard said the guy didn't know what he was talking about and hung up on him. Another guy on the phone said that his penis is smaller than Howard's. Howard said he'll beat him and he's sure of it. Another caller said that the French Canadians are nuts.

    Howard said he had plenty to talk about including these black talk shows on at night now. Howard wondered where he could find some seal penis. He said they hired Sinbad to take over this Vibe show. Robin said Sinbad lied to them when he was on, telling them he'd never do a talk show. Howard said he's a funny guy and at least he can do a monologue. Robin said Vibe is impossible to watch. Howard went to break after that.

  • Breast Examinations. 10/22/97. 4:25 pm
    They came back from break and had the girls there for the breast exams come in. One girl said she is an ''H cup''. She said she has to wear two bras when she does aerobics. She explained the process, she puts on a smaller bra and then a larger one on top of it. She said they are completely natural. Howard said she's not a heavy girl but she could be mistaken for one.

    Howard went to the other girl and she said she's an ''E''. Howard couldn't decide who to examine first. Howard went to the He cup girl first. Jackie said they're bigger than footballs. Howard had Gary come over to help him examine.

    Howard and Gary continued to massage and then eventually moved on to the next girl. Howard wanted Robin to come over and feel the breasts but she wasn't interested.

    The first girl said lets her husband have sex with another girl and told her story. She said she's been wither her husband 7 years and has kids with him. She said she's fine with letting him have sex with another girl as long as he has sex with her first. She said it was a hygiene issue.

  • Sam Kinison Calls In From Hell. 10/22/97. 4:50 pm
    They came back from break with a clip of Crazy Alice fighting with a person on the phone.

    Howard had ''Sam Kinison'' on the phone. The role of Kinison was played by Craig Gass. He talked to the Kinison impressionist for a little bit and made some jokes about recently dead people like Versace and Princess Di. The call didn't last very long. Howard began discussing Ann Rice's theory about how very few souls ever get to heaven, and that Satan created hell as a place for souls to go. She claims that hell is just a place of lost souls and not really fire and brimstone.

  • Various News Stories and Callers. 10/22/97. 5:00 pm
    Howard discussed a few stories at the top of the news including the tribute to Princess Diana with Peter Gabriel. He said they should be having a tribute for Peter instead.

    Howard pulled the string on the Rosie doll a few more times. Then he had a woman on the phone who wanted to try lesbianism for her husband. She wanted advice on luring women. Howard told her to go to a strip club with her husband and pick out a stripper. The girl didn't seem enthusiastic about that idea.

    One guy was on the phone and he said he and his friend caught chlymidia from two chicks after pretending to be the Jesus Twins at a local bar. The next caller had her radio up. Howard kept telling her to turn her radio all the way up. She had it on in the background when he picked up on her. Howard was really enjoying messing with her. She kept turning it up like a dope. She said she had an affair and wants to know if she's going to hell. Howard just about got her to admit that the guy she cheated on her husband with was better than her husband. Howard talked with her a little while about having affairs. A guy called in and said he was black, Howard goofed on him for a few minutes before saying they had to go to break. Howard took a few more calls first though, a woman asking about Tom. Howard made fun of Tom saying he wasn't that bright, and some woman said maybe Tom was having sex with his golf clubs. The last caller tried to do a joke but failed. Howard went to break after that.

  • Playboy Video Clips. 10/22/97. 5:20 pm
    When they came back from break, Howard played a clip of a Playboy video. He said that it was awful pornography and it turned him off. He said they have them doing all kinds of stuff like shooting bullseye's while riding horses. It's not very porn-like. The next clip had a girl giving her sob story about how hard her parents worked and her entire life, in the next scene she was dancing around nude. Howard and Jackie goofed on her for a few minutes. The next girl was talking with a Chicago accent and Fred played the ''SHUT UP!'' sound effect over her.

  • Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 10/22/97. 5:25 pm
    Howard said he had Gilbert coming in. Robin said she saw him at a free movie premiere. Howard said that there was no label on Gilbert's water because E! wanted to feel like a real network. Gary said that Gilbert ripped it off. Gilbert said he was picking at it. Robin said it was awkward seeing Gilbert out in public. She said they were a row away from each other. Howard said his worst nightmare is trying to relax and then seeing Gilbert. Gilbert said Robin was watching the screen the whole time, even half an hour before the movie started. The lights were up and she was ignoring him. Howard said Gilbert goes to all the parties for free food. Howard said that Gilbert shows up 2 hours early for the free food and a chance to meet women. Howard said Gilbert's plate is always loaded, he goes back several times and brings a doggy bag. Jackie said Gilbert was on a TV show with him called ''The Watcher'' that was a real bomb. They let the actors go to the front of the line to get steaks. Gilbert and Jackie got to cut to the front and there were dozens of people out there waiting, and Gilbert got two, slowing down the process even more. He said he ended up not even eating the second one.

    Howard had a woman on the phone who said she met Gilbert in a restaurant and he tried to pick her up. She said Gilbert's older than her and agreed he isn't hot. Gilbert said he looks like Goldfinger instead of Sean Connery. They said Gilbert is 150% Jewish. The girl on the phone said he offered her free tickets to his concert for her number. She gave him her number and he called asking if she wanted to meet him. She lied and told him she was on the other line and asked if she could have his number. He said he'd call her back and Gilbert didn't stop. She had to have her roommate answer and lie for her. Then her brother called her doing a Gilbert impression. She said that Melrose Larry Green and Ratso Sloman wouldn't stop calling her either. Howard said that Melrose and Larry talk to each other and Melrose has money. So Melrose takes Larry to dinner and Larry tells Gilbert there's free dinner. The two of them hook up and take Melrose's dinner.

    Gange and Gary came in to join in on the fun, bashing Gilbert some more. Some girl offered to take Gilbert out to lunch and he called her back constantly asking her when it would be because he wanted sex. That girl that says she's Gilbert's daughter called in. She wasn't making sense and she was hard to hear. Gilbert said the woman's been calling his agent, the TV shows, the papers.

    Next on the phone was the Holocaust woman again. She's still upset with Gilbert for making fun of the Holocaust. She made fun of him and attacked him. She told him she wishes he'd commit suicide. Gilbert kept going with the Holocaust jokes and the woman got upset. She said that God is punishing Gilbert because he gets no work. They continued to fight for a few minutes. She said given the choice between Gilbert and a Nazi she'd pick a Nazi. Gilbert asked her if she'd rather sleep with him or drive with Princess Di. She wasn't gonna answer that though. The woman said she talked to Henry Winkler about her parents. Gilbert asked if he gave her the thumbs up and said,''Eeeeeh!'' Gilbert asked if she told it to Laverne and Shirley too. Gilbert told her to yell,''HOGAAAAAAN!'' he kept making Holocaust jokes and got the woman angry. That continued for about 15 minutes and then she hung up.

    It didn't end there though. The next guy on the phone said Gilbert tried to pick up his wife. ANOTHER guy called in and said Gilbert tried to bang his mom in high school. That guy turned out to be a fake. The last guy said Gilbert picked up his own tip. That one they had the hardest time believing. Grillo came in and said his friend dated Gilbert for a while and Gilbert said she was really hot, but it was a turn off that she'd banged Grillo.

  • More With Gilbert and Ratso. 10/22/97. 6:20 pm
    Larry Ratso Sloman was on the phone. Howard said that Larry bought a house for a lot of money even though it wasn't a valuable house. Gilbert said that he was at a party with Ratso. there was a little girl without teeth drinking heavily. Gilbert was screaming at the party. Larry said he's never seen Gilbert buy a beer even so he tried a prank on him. He told him he had no money for the cab once they got out and Gilbert turned white. Then he took out crumpled up dollar bills from his pocket.

    There was a guy on the phone that said he was live on the scene of a shoot out with police, it turns out he wasn't though.

  • Robin's News With Gilbert. 10/22/97. 6:35 pm
    Robin started off her news, Gilbert was still goofing around about Ratso. Her first story was about incestuous siblings that lost custody of their child.

    The next story was about the World Series. Howard asked Gilbert if he watches baseball. He said ''no.'' He couldn't even name a player or how many guys are on a team. Gilbert was making fun of himself for a few minutes then he went into ''Who's On First''. Robin said she'd like to get out of their sometime today, but Gilbert was going to make sure that did not happen.

    Robin tried to continue her news but Gilbert kept making fun of Ratso. Gilbert was enjoying himself. Robin's next story was about a woman losing custody of her kids because she's addicted to the internet. Court records say she spends all her time locked in a room with a computer, away from her children. The children will be given to the father. Howard said there are people in the chat rooms all day and night.

    Robin tried to continue with the news once again, and Gilbert got into his impressions. He did Dracula Gottfried and had everyone cracking up in the studio.

    Robin's next story was about two girls who wrote a song about homosexuality called, ''Not Natural''. Robin said they will sing it in Philly at the ''Million Woman March''. Then she had a story about Stevie Wonder singing at the funeral of his favorite driver. Gilbert did Dracula Gottfried for a few minutes making fun of that. The next story was about Dennis Rodman asking for more money from the Chicago Bulls. Howard asked Gilbert if he's ever done Vibe with Keenan Ivory Wayans. He said it's the one black show he hasn't done. Gilbert started doing his Carson impression and making fun of Keenan.

    Her final stories were about Bill Cosby getting a new show on CBS. Gilbert did his Bill Cosby impression for a few minutes. The next was about Johnny Rotten winning his court case. The very last was about Roman Polanski trying to get back in the country. They finished up a short time later.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 22, 1997 (Mark's original write up) --

• Two Breast Cancer Examinations. 10/22/97. 7:50am
  Howard got to put his hands on 4 more breasts today. Two women showed up today to have Howard give them breast cancer exams. One woman was 4'8'' tall with H-Cup breasts! The other was 5'10'' with E-Cup's! Howard had more than a handful today. Everyone in the studio was amazed by the H-cups. Sarah, the H-cup, said that her breasts are natural, not implants like the other girl's. Kim, the E-cup, used to have C-cups until she got implants to blow them up to E. Kim is a stripper. Sarah was first up to have her breasts examined. Howard said ''They're unbelievable!'' when she took off her shirt. Jackie was amazed just by the size of her bra. It was huge. They said it looked like two football helmets. Howard was having a hell of a time examining Sarah so Gary got in on the fun. Sarah said that she didn't mind having Gary help. Howard kept finding lumps in her breasts but there's so much there that it probably wasn't cancer. Kim was up next and Howard said she had really nice implants. He had to give her a special exam since she has implants. Kim told him that he had to kind of ''pop up'' her implant to be able to feel around the whole breast. After examining Kim Howard asked Robin to come over and feel the breasts. Robin refused to do it.

• Sam Kinison Calls In From Hell. 10/22/97. 8:30am
  Every once in a while a telephone line falls on the grave of the late comedian Sam Kinison so he's able to call the show. If you don't believe that then a comedian who does an amazing impression of Sam calls in as Sam Kinison From Hell. Sam called in and talked a little bit about Lady Di and Gianni Versace being down there in Hell. He said that when Versace arrived in hell the only thing he said was ''Look what this guy did to my suit!''. Sam didn't want to talk too much about the death of Lady Diana but he did said that Dodi Fayed has cheated on Diana with 3 of Sam's ex-girlfriends. He also said that there is one good thing to come out of the death of Lady Di. He said that he has ''...one kick ass limo driver..''. Sam's connection was lost soon after that. The voice of Sam Kinison from Hell is played by comedian Craig Gass from Seattle.

• Gilbert Gottfried Comes In. 10/22/97. 9:20am
  Comedian Gilbert Gottfried came in to hang out during the news. As usual when Gilbert comes in there were tons of negative phone calls coming in. Howard must have taken 8 or 10 calls from people who have either dated Gilbert or have seen him doing something strange. One woman who called in the last time Gilbert was on called in again today. She was on the phone yelling at Gilbert for about 25 minutes or so. Gilbert had made some jokes about the holocaust when she drove him to some party. She just finds him horrible and unfunny so Howard let her vent on him today. Gilbert just keeps making fun and laughing through the whole thing. Another woman who called in the last time Gilbert was on called in today. She claims to be Gilbert's daughter. She's 30 years old and Gilbert is in his mid 40's or so. He would have been about 15 or so when she was born but she said that he's the father. She even said that she lived with him when she was 7 years old. Gilbert said that she's been calling his agent and even the USA Network where he works. She's like a stalker or something. Gilbert is great when he comes in. He keeps everyone laughing through the whole news segment. He just makes stupid comments and does his Dracula impression. He didn't disappoint today. It was constant laughs during the whole news segment.

  ---

  -- Tuesday October 21, 1997 --

• 15 Year Old Caller Who Can Fart By Pounding His Ass. 10/21/97. 6:35am
  A 15 year old kid called in and said that he could fart by pounding on his butt. He demonstrated his talent on the phone for Howard and it worked. Stuttering John said that the kid told him that he can pick up girls with this unusual talent. Howard said that he wishes that he could fart on command so he wanted to try out the technique. What the kid is actually doing is pounding air into his butt with his hand. He gets down on his knees and elbows and pounds the air in. Howard gave it a try but wasn't successful. He tried it a few times but it just didn't work for him. Howard wants the kid to come down to the studio but he lives in Michigan. Hearing Howard attempting this was really funny. Hopefully it'll make it to E!.

• Katarina The Swedish Broadcaster. 10/21/97. 8:00am
  28 year old Katarina, a Swedish broadcaster, came in to meet Howard this morning. She's in the States on vacation and she heard about Howard's movie so she came in. She was really good looking according to Howard. Howard decided to have a little fun with her so he brought in Steve the Engineer (a.k.a. ''Wood Yi'') to play the role of Michael Jordan of CBS broadcasting. ''Wood Yi'' played the part well. Jackie must have been feeding him his lines while he was standing there because he sure as hell wasn't rehearsed. He would ask Katarina to do things like sit on his hand or tell her to ''F-Off''. It was very entertaining.

• Salt & Pepa Come In. 10/21/97. 8:35am
  Female rappers Salt & Pepa came in to plug their new album ''Brand New''. Their DJ Spindarella was also there. Howard has had a fascination with Pepa for quite a while now. He's often said that he'd like to ''bang'' her after seeing her in some of their videos. It turns out that Salt has become a very religious person and she'd like to start doing ''inspirational'' records instead of rap records. I'm sorry, she says that she's not religious but she has ''..a personal relationship with God..''. Spindarella said that when she retires she's going to become a Masseuse. Howard couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was wondering why a good looking, famous rapper would want to go into a job like that. She just enjoys doing it so she'll make it her career. Howard played a few seconds of their new single ''Are You Ready'' and took a couple of phone calls before ending the interview. Salt's sister called her on her cellular phone to tell her to loosen up just before they left. It was a little too late but at least she tried.

• Other Happenings On The Show. (Contributed By Don From Michigan) 10/21/97. 9:30am
  
  • Fred Norris had to leave the show early for some filming of the movie "LuLu (not sure of spelling) On The Bridge" in which he is appearing.
  • Howard then went on to take phone calls from listeners. Topics discussed included:
    • Howard's frustration with some interpretations of Canada's Hate Speech Laws.
    • The irony of KEGL-FM "The Eagle" in Dallas being sold by Nationwide Insurance after canceling his show during the short period in which they owned it.
    • Howard's plans to sue for racketeering the person whose name appears on the letter being circulated by the American Family association. He objects to their letters to clients of his radio affiliates encouraging them to withhold their advertising business.

  ---

  -- Monday October 20, 1997 --

• Maria Returns. 10/20/97. 7:05am
  The nutty woman who called in during the news last Friday was on the phone again today. She was just as wacky as last week. She still thinks that Robert Redford and Robert Urich are out to kill her. This time her husband was home so Howard got the chance to speak to him. But before that Howard had Fred call in as Robert Redford to try and straighten the woman out. No luck there. The husband talked about her a little bit. He revealed that they have 4 daughters and that they've been married for 35 years. He said that the dilutions started about 29 years ago! He still sticks with her though. He said that she was pretty good looking when they got married and they've both been faithful to each other so he sticks with her. Howard invited her to come down to the station so we should be hearing from her in the near future. Howard told Maria that they'd have Robert Redford down to meet her.. He later said that maybe they'd put a paper bag over Fred's head and call him Robert Redford.

• David Lee Roth Comes In. 10/20/97. 7:35am
  Former Van Halen lead singer David Lee Roth came in to plug his new book ''Crazy From The Heat'' today. He and Howard talked about a bunch of different subjects from the book. Here are a few examples:Dave once had 5 girls in a room having sex, Dave came up with the name for the band, he used to get on his hands and knees to scrub the stage, he hasn't slept with a lot of famous people, he used to pay his roadies to pick out good looking women for him to meet, his song ''Just Like Paradise'' was almost the theme song for ''Beverly Hills 90210''. Howard also took some phone calls for Dave. One guy asked Dave if he'd work with the Van Halen boys again in the future. He said that he would but it would be under more controlled conditions. Dave also has a greatest hits album out with a new single called ''Don't Piss Me Off''.

• The Billboard Awards Nightmare. 10/20/97. 8:40am
  Howard was nominated for some Billboard Award for best syndicated talk show host or something like that. He got an invitation but didn't want to go. The plan was to send Hank the drunk dwarf down to accept just in case Howard won. Well it didn't happen that way. Mike Gange and Doug from E! went down to Orlando Florida to film the awards. Hank was supposed to fly down Friday night from Boston. Hank showed up at the airport so drunk that they wouldn't let him on the plane. Then he lost his ticket so Gange had to buy him another. To make a long story a little shorter, Hank never made it down to Orlando. Gange and Doug had to find a replacement. They found a Hawaiian Tropic model who would go up and show her breasts in front of the crowd if Howard were to win. They had a nice speech for her to read. Well Howard won the award so Cheryl the model went up to get the award but she didn't read her speech. She just said something like ''Howard Rules'' and ran off. The some big fat guy got up on stage in his underwear and started yelling all kinds of crap. Howard could barely hear what was on the tape because of some problem with the tape player today. He had both Hank and Cheryl on the phone during most of this. After the big fat guy started his yelling crap Cheryl made her way back to the stage and read her speech and showed her breasts. It was all one big mess.

• Discussion About Breeding Animals. 10/20/97. 9:45am
  It all started with one phone call. A guy wanted to tell Howard about how he had his dog's sperm frozen so he could use it in the future to breed puppies. That wasn't the strange part though. It was the way that the veterinarian gets the sperm. They have to ''manipulate'' the dog's wiener and collect sperm just like a human would do. The guy said it was pretty strange to see it going on. That phone call led to others about people who have collected sperm from such animals as pigs, cows, horses and even whales! Each one has a different technique for collecting the little fellows. The guy with the pig story said that they insert some kind of electrical rod into the pigs ass and shock him into donating his gift. There sure is some wacky crap going on out there.

• Another Breast Cancer Exam. 10/20/97. 9:55am
  Howard did a quick breast cancer exam on a cute 25 year old by the name of Jackie today. He had to make it quick because he had to get to the news. Poor Jackie had been waiting to get on the show since 4am! She came down from Buffalo just to meet Howard and let him touch her breasts. As a matter of fact she said she didn't really care about the cancer exam, she just wanted him to touch her breasts! It's amazing what fame can do for a guy isn't it? Needless to say, Howard didn't find any lumps in her breasts.

  ---

  -- Friday October 17, 1997 --

• Scott The Engineer Given Proclamation From Councilman. 10/17/97. 7:10am
  A city councilman from Seven Hills Ohio came in to present Scott The Engineer with some Proclamation thanking him for betting against Cleveland in the baseball playoffs. Scott lost the bet so Cleveland is heading to the World Series. The 24 year old Councilman, David Bentowsky, presented the thing to Scott.

• Ponce De LaPhone Phony Phone Calls. 10/17/97. 7:15am
  Howard played tape of three new phony phone calls that Ponce made. They were great as usual. Ponce uses tape from the show instead of his own voice. The three that Howard played included the voices of Hank the drunk dwarf, Wood Yi and Kirk Douglas saying ''What are you saying?''. Ponce keeps getting better and better.

• Phone Call To Fred's Mother About Sex. 10/17/97. 7:40am
  The other day Howard spoke to Jackie's mother about oral sex and other stuff. Today it was Fred's mother's turn. Howard gave her a call and found out that she is the most open mother of them all. Howard first spoke to Fred's step-father about the subject. He let everyone know that they had done that stuff and maybe still do. Fred's mother confirmed it. She said that they're very happy.

• Tori Spelling Comes In. 10/17/97. 7:50am
  Tori Spelling came in to plug a movie that she's in called ''The House Of Yes''. It's not a TV movie this time. It's a real movie that will be released next week around the country. Robin saw it and said it was pretty good. Howard spent most of the interview asking Tori about how her day goes. He asked everything from when she wakes up until she goes out after work. He also took some phone calls from nutty listeners. One guy called in and said that he'd skateboard naked around the block just to meet Tori. Howard told him to come down but he never did make it. A couple of other callers brought out the fact that Tori brought her brother to a strip club for his birthday and had a lap dance for herself! Her brother is under age so she didn't want to talk about it too much because she was afraid that her parents would find out about it. Howard said that he was hypnotized by Tori's breasts the whole time she was there.

• The Mike Walker Game. 10/17/97. 8:50am
  No celebrity contestants today with the Mike Walker game. It was only Howard, Robin and Jackie playing. Fred was a contributor for the game so he sat out. Here are this week's four stories:
  1. Farrah Fawcett demanded that she get to keep some office furniture that was used for some thing she was involved with. The furniture was attached to the wall so she demanded that it be ripped out. They did end up buying her a new wall unit.
  2. Maria Schriver freaked out recently when she found long hairs in her brush. It turned out to be doll hair. Her daughter had brushed her dolls hair with the brush.
  3. When a ladies room door was locked in a California restaurant for an extended amount of time the manager demanded for the person to come out. When the door opened it was Jim Belushi with a newspaper and cigar in hand. He said the men's room was busy.
  4. The members of Fleetwood Mac have already started fighting again and have said that there will never be another reunion again.
  Jackie chose story 3 as the fake, Howard chose number 2 but changed his choice to number 1 and Robin picked number 3 as the fake. The actual fake story was number 4.

• Animated Marv Albert Song. 10/17/97. 9:20am
  Someone sent Howard some kind of computer animation of Marv Albert that goes along with the Marv Albert song parody ''Yesterday'' that they had on the show not too long ago. He played it for Robin and said that he'd like to get it on E!. Howard said that it was great.

• Richard Belzer Sits In During The News. 10/17/97. 9:25am
  Comedian Richard Belzer came in to hang out during the news. His show ''Homicide'' has it's season premiere tonight. Before they did the news though a woman called in who claimed that she was afraid that she's going to be murdered. When Howard started asking the woman who was going to kill her she said that Robert Redford and Robert Urich were out to get her for some odd reason. Howard played along with her for quite a while. It was actually kind of sad because this woman was totally screwed up. Howard tried to get in touch with the woman's daughter and her husband but they didn't have any luck.

  ---

  -- Thursday October 16, 1997 --

• Howard Talks About The Tommy & Pamela Lee Video. 10/16/97. 6:30am
  Howard received a videotape in the mail of Tommy Lee and his wife Pamela Lee having sex and doing a bunch of other things. Howard said it was the sexiest thing he's seen. Apparently the tape was home video that Pam and Tommy made together but it was stolen and circulated all over the place. Howard spent quite a bit of time talking about bits and pieces of the tape. He made it sound like the tape was 2 hours long but as it turns out it's only like 30 minutes. Later in the morning Howard found out that the tape is available on the web for like $40 or $50. He wouldn't give out the URL because he doesn't think it's right to sell that kind of stuff without their permission.

• Woman Comes In To Eat Cake Out Of Fred's Ass. 10/16/97. 7:25am
  This woman had called in the other day about eating cake out of Jackie's ass for a Private Parts Prize Package. Jackie didn't want to do it so Fred was next on the list. Her name was Linda and she's 36 years old. Howard said she looks 46. She came in this morning and it turns out that she looks kind of like Jackie! Howard said she had really nice breasts though. Before she ate the cake she wanted Howard to give her a breast exam but he turned her down. She seemed to scare everyone in the studio. When she finally did eat the cake out of his ass everyone in the room was going nuts. Howard later said that she was trying to pull Fred's pants down while eating the cake. It must have been a hell of a site. Fred has a nice ass according to Howard by the way.

• Lynyrd Skynryd Drummer Tells Story Of Survival. 10/16/97. 8:25am
  This guy Artimus Pyle was one of the survivors of the plane crash that killed some of the members of the band Lynyrd Skynrd. He told the story about how the plane ran out of fuel on the way to Baton Rouge, Louisiana and how they crashed into a swamp. He managed to crawl out of the wreckage and found a house. As he got to the house though the owner thought the guy was a thief or something and shot him! It wasn't bad enough that he'd just been in a plane crash, some dumb ass shoots him. 6 of the 26 on board died. Two of them were the pilot and co-pilot. The guy was pretty cool for coming on and telling the story. Later in the show a guy called in and said that Artimus had been thrown in jail for raping a 4 year old or something like that. Howard had Gary get Artimus back on the phone to find out what it was all about. Artimus explained that it all had to do with custody of his child. He said it had something to do with his girlfriend getting out of the relationship and using a child molestation story to do it. He didn't give all of the details so it was kind of hard to figure it out. This guy has been through a hell of a lot of crap in his life huh?

• Howard Gives Breast Cancer Exam To Black Woman. 10/16/97. 9:10am
  This was the first black woman to come in for a breast cancer exam from Howard. She had small breasts but Howard still seemed to enjoy the exam. He said that she looked like someone out of National Geographic magazine. She had some type of marks on her breasts that she was concerned about. Howard said they looked like cigarette burns or zits on her one breast. He told her to have them checked by a doctor. Yet another successful breast exam by Dr. Stern.

• Daniel Carver's Movie Review Of ''Booty Call''. 10/16/97. 9:15am
  KKK member Daniel Carver was on the phone to give his review of the movie ''Booty Call'' He gave it 2 nooses out of 5. He said that it was funny but it was all black propaganda. He said he'd rather see a Steve Martin movie or something like that.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 15, 1997 --

• Steve Grillo Interviews Jonathan Harris. 10/15/97. 6:45am
  Howard played tape of an interview Steve Grillo did with Jonathan Harris. He's the guy who played Dr. Smith in the old TV series ''Lost In Space''. The good doctor played along with the few questions that Grillo asked. Before playing the tape though, Howard was talking about how dumb Grillo is because he dropped out of college after going for 6 years. He only had one more semester to finish but he dropped out because he had to take 2 semesters of a foreign language.

• Howard Gives Breast Cancer Exam. 10/15/97. 7:30am
  In recognition of breast cancer awareness month Howard has decided to give free exams to any women who want them. The first woman to show up was Patricia or Trish as she called herself. She's a good looking stripper who didn't hesitate to take off her top to have Howard do the exam. Trish has breast implants so it was a little more difficult to do the exam. Howard was explaining what he was doing so women at home could check themselves for cancer. Howard kept saying that this wasn't erotic for him but I think we all know that's false. He basically felt this woman up and admitted it. He sure doesn't get to feel up strangers breasts any other way except when he does the Painting O' The Green for St. Patricks Day or when he paints breasts like Easter eggs during Easter... Okay, so he does get to feel up women's breasts quite a bit. Howard said that Trish was excited by all of this. We'll have to assume that he meant her nipples were erect. I think Howard was trying to play this straight so that they could show this on TV like they do when a real doctor is doing it for a news program. Don't count on it happening though.

• Howard Talks To Jackie's Mother About Sex. 10/15/97. 8:15am
  Not too long ago Howard was wondering if Jackie's mother, being the laid back type of person she is, had ever let her husband in the back door so to speak. He finally made the phone call to her this morning and asked her about it. She said that back in her day they just didn't do things like that. She even said that she never gave her husband oral sex. Howard also spoke to Gary's mother about the same subject. Gary's mother said the same thing. She never gave her husband oral sex. It just wasn't the right thing to do. Later in the show a 68 year old woman called in and said that she thinks women did that stuff back then but they just don't like to talk about it. The woman said that she gave her men oral sex but didn't really talk about it. She wasn't speaking for the mothers of Gary and Jackie but it's possible that they just don't want to talk about it. We may never know the truth.

• David Duchovny Comes In. 10/15/97. 8:40am
  Actor David Duchovny came in to plug his new movie ''Playing God'' today. David is one of the stars of ''The X-Files'' on Fox. We found out that David is a very intelligent guy. He graduated from Princeton University and went on to Yale to get his masters. The subject of the SAT tests came up even before David came into the studio but they found out that he got a score of 1320 on his second try. David said that he thought Howard was very good in ''Private Parts''. He thought Fred was even better. Howard really thinks highly of David's new wife Tea Leoni. They talked about her for a little while. David talked about how they got together. They were introduced by their agent. Howard also took some phone calls from some wacky listeners. David put some rumors to rest. One guy thought that the X-Files movie was a rumor but it's not just a rumor, they finished filming it this summer and it'll be out next June. Just to put some rumors to rest David said that he's not a bed wetter and he never did porno movies although he was in some movie where there was some nudity. David's movie opens this Friday. He said he'd come back when he's doing publicity for the X-Files movie next spring.

• More Breast Cancer Exams. 10/15/97. 9:40am
  Howard did a couple more breast cancer exams before doing the news today. The first woman was a 20 year old with braces. She was good looking but she looked so young that they had to check her identification to make sure. According to Howard this girl Jen had the greatest C-cup breasts. He was really impressed with them. She looked something like Drew Barrymore according to Robin but Howard said she looked better than that. Howard did the exam on her and said it wasn't erotic.. Sure Howard. Stuttering John came in and told Howard that there was one more woman waiting to have her exam done. Jen left and 23 year old April came in. She had huge breasts according to Howard. She wasn't even sure what size they were. She said that they were either a C or a D cup. Howard seemed to have even more fun doing this exam than he did with the other two. Quite a day for Howard! How many guys can say they felt up three women in less than 2 ½ hours?

  ---

  -- Tuesday October 14, 1997 --

• Strange Sex Story Tuesday. 10/14/97. 7:15am
  There were a bunch of unusual sex stories being told by callers this morning. One 24 year old guy told a story about sleeping with his 47 year old Aunt. He said she was really good looking but still, that's pretty messed up. Another guy told a story about his sister's friend giving him oral sex while his sister was standing there telling her to do it. Then the friend and the sister got into a lesbian thing while the brother watched. Later in the show another guy called in with his story about a dominatrix who crapped on him. He said it was something he wanted to do. I'm getting nauseous just writing about it...

• Howard Jams With Scott The Engineer. 10/14/97. 7:40am
  Before Green Day came in to play a couple of songs Howard wanted to play with their instruments. He wanted to perform ''Gloria'' along with Scott The Engineer on drums. Howard sang lead and Robin, Jackie and Fred were backup singers. Of course it didn't sound that great and right after they were done playing the members of Green Day popped their heads in to see if their instruments were okay. Howard didn't know that Green Day were there otherwise he wouldn't have messed with their stuff. Howard talked to them for about 10 seconds then took some phone calls. Green Day wasn't scheduled to perform until 8:30. Howard settled on naming the group ''The Losers'' after throwing out a few names.

• Mental Health Discussion. 10/14/97. 8:10am
  Howard mentioned that he's thinking of going to see a psychiatrist. This led to a discussion about how messed up everyone on the show is. Fred admitted to going to a psychiatrist for a while. Robin also went to one for about 2 and a half years. Howard asked Fred if he told the psychiatrist that he wasn't coming back or did he just stop going. Fred said that he told him but Howard didn't believe the story. This all led to Fred getting all wound up and freaking out. Howard said something else to Fred to get him really wound up but the delay was hit for some reason. Fred did go nuts though. It was very entertaining to hear him go off like that.

• Green Day Performs Two Songs. 10/14/97. 8:40am
  Punk rock band Green Day came in to perform a couple of songs for Howard. Howard interviewed them for a little while before they played. They talked about the lead singer's tattoo's and how they were just plastered all over his arms for no reason. Howard also mentioned seeing the guys back stage one time. He saw one of them spinning around on his back with his penis hanging out while the others were running around like nuts. Then they ran on stage to start the show. They didn't seem to know what Howard was talking about but it was a heck of a story. The band performed their hit song ''Basket Case'' first even though they planned on playing their new song first. For some reason Howard wanted them to play the old song first.. whatever. They played ''Hitchin' A Ride'' next. That one is off of their new album ''Nimrod'' which was just released.

• Woman Who Will Do Anything To Meet David Duchovny. 10/14/97. 10:35am
  Actor David Duchovny from ''The X Files'' is scheduled to come in sometime this week. This prompted a phone call from a woman listener who said she'd do anything to meet David. Howard came up with some ideas for her like pouring honey all over her and letting a dog lick it off. She would agree to some of the easier things like letting them call her ''poop head'' or giving Crackhead Bob a massage but when she said that she wouldn't be willing to crap in a diaper in front of Howard he said that was the thing she had to do. Howard gave her a few chances to change her mind but she refused so tough luck for Joy.

  ---

  -- Monday October 13, 1997 --

• Web Site Of The Day. 10/13/97. 7:05am
  Howard was talking about a web site that he recently saw which has women who don't shave and who are really hairy. He couldn't remember the address at first so he was trying a couple of different ones. Well he mentioned the right one and it was overwhelmed by listeners so Howard couldn't get into it to show Robin some of the pictures. The address was something like www.hairtostay.com. Good luck getting into the site.

• Woman To Eat Chocolate Cake Out Of Fred's Ass. 10/13/97. 7:30am
  A woman called in and volunteered to eat chocolate cake out of Jackie's ass. I guess she was inspired by last week's eating of Hershey Kisses out of the JokeMan's ass. Jackie said that he doesn't want to do it this time.. It's someone else's turn. Next in line for the job was Fred. He said he'd do it but the woman on the phone didn't sound too thrilled with it. The woman said she'd be able to come in next week sometime. She described herself to Howard as 5'9'' tall, 130-135 pounds with a 36 C chest. She said she looks kind of like a young Kathleen Turner.

• UPDATE: Kim The Nude Rub Down Woman. 10/13/97. 7:35am
  Kim was the lucky woman who got the nude rub down from Jenna Jameson last week. She called in this morning to tell Howard how thrilled she was after having that rub down. Howard also revealed that Kim's bra had come off during that rub down. I wasn't aware of that last week when I heard the show. Kim also said that Jenna was ''..rubbing everything..'' during the rub down. Kim said that she hasn't been converted to lesbianism but she sure enjoyed the rub down.

• Author Jean Robinson On The Phone. 10/13/97. 7:45am
  This woman wrote a book called ''How To Survive In Spite Of Your Family''. It's about racism within black families and how to deal with it. Howard interviewed the woman for a while about the book and took some phone calls from black people who have had this problem. Jean, who is 71, told Howard that her mother treated her poorly just because she had darker skin than the rest of her family. Her mother once said to someone, ''..isn't it ugly..'' like she was a piece of crap or something. At one point in the interview Jean was rambling on about the man who wrote ''Amazing Grace''. I don't know what her point was but she started singing the song. Let's just say that she should stick to writing. If you'd like to order the book just call: 1-888-231-2509

  ---

  -- Friday October 10, 1997 --

• Jenna Jameson Comes In To Give Nude Rubdown. 10/10/97. 7:35am
  All week long Howard had been picking contestants for the Jenna Jameson nude rubdown contest. Yesterday they chose a winner by the name of Dee(Darius). He has testicular and penile cancer and he probably won't live more than a year. Jenna came in this morning to give the lucky winner his rub down. Howard talked with Jenna for a few minutes about her 4 month long marriage and about what she was wearing. Jenna plugged some appearances that she'll be making in the near future also. Then they moved on to the rub down. Dee came in and Gary described him as being a skinny heavy metal fan type. Or skinny with long hair. Howard said that he wasn't too bad looking. He came in with a towel around his waist for the rub down. He was getting ready for the rub down when he told Howard that he had a different idea. Instead of him getting the rub down he wanted Jenna to give his girlfriend Kim the rub down. He'd rather see that then have the rub down himself. Howard didn't mind because he'd rather see that anyway. Dee's girlfriend was out in the green room so Gary got her all set up with a towel and brought her in. I guess Kim wasn't too bad looking from what I could tell. Jenna got naked and started giving Kim the rub down. First she was on her back and she was loving it. Dee was loving it also. Kim wasn't naked but Jenna sure was. She was using some kind of oil for the rub down. Jenna gave the rub down for a good 15 minutes solid and Kim was moaning and breathing heavy the whole time. At one point Kim rolled over on to her back so Jenna could rub down the front. Howard was loving every second of this. He was trying to interview her while she was having the rub down but she could barely pay attention or answer the questions. Once Jenna was done with the rub down Kim was dizzy. Gary said that she stood up and she could barely walk straight. I think everyone liked this contest. One woman caller said that she was loving it also. Bloated Attorney Dominic Barbara called in and offered to give the guy and his girlfriend 2 plane tickets to Puerto Rico so they could stay at his house down there. And all Dee had to do was get cancer in his penis..

• The Mike Walker Game With Insane Clown Posse. 10/10/97. 8:45am
  Insane Clown Posse is a couple of white guys who rap. They were on a few months ago after they were dropped from a Disney record company. They were just as angry as the last time they were on. They were bad mouthing Jenna Jameson because she said that she didn't remember them after hanging out with them not too long ago. Howard talked with them for a few minutes and moved on to the Mike Walker game. Here are this week's stories, try to pick the false one:
  1. Dennis Rodman was going to be an announcer at the Country Music Awards show but during rehearsal he was found to be too wild and was dropped from the show.
  2. Quentin Tarantino asked John Travolta to do a cameo in a small film. John said he'd do it if Tarantino would pay for the jet fuel for his private plane. Tarantino finally agreed to pay.
  3. Donna D'Erico and Gena Lee Nolan refused to come out of their trailer for fear that co-star Carmen Electra would steal their thunder with her knockout body. 5 hours later they came out.
  4. While filming a scene for his tv series ''Dellaventura'' Danny Aiello's hair piece fell off so he had to re-shoot the scene.
  Insane Clown Posse member Violent Jay picked the first story as the fake, Shaggy 2 Dope picked 4, Robin picked number 1, Howard picked 3, Jackie picked 4 and Fred wasn't playing this week. The actual fake story was number 2. After the game the Clowns hung around for a little while. Howard took some phone calls from pissed off listeners who seemed to hate the Clown Posse. The clowns just threatened the callers and yelled at them. A couple of fun guys.

• Danny Aiello Calls Gary About Mention In Mike Walker Game. 10/10/97. 10:15am
  Gary came in to tell Howard that Danny Aiello called him to say that the story that Mike Walker told about his hair piece falling off was totally false. Danny didn't want to come on the air but he told Gary that he doesn't wear a hair piece on his ''Dellaventura'' tv show but he did wear one in a movie one time. Howard got in touch with Mike Walker again and told Mike about this. Mike claims that he has a very good source that he got the story from but he'd check into it.

  ---

  -- Thursday October 9, 1997 --

• Another Jenna Jameson Contest Entry. 10/9/97. 6:30am
  Howard took more phone calls from listeners with hard luck stories today. The grand prize winner gets a nude rub down from Jenna Jameson tomorrow during the show. There were a bunch of sad stories today but one stood out. Dee, a listener who's had a bunch of bad luck following him around, was picked out of all of the other sad sacks out there. Dee said that his mother and sister both died then one day he ran out of gas and as he was going to get gas he was rear ended by another car. He woke up in the hospital okay but the doctors found that he had testicular cancer and penile cancer. It's in a very advanced stage so they'd have to remove his penis and testicles. Even with that he'd still only have a 15% chance of living. Dee chose to keep his penis. He's probably going to die within 6 to 12 months or so. Dee won out of his group of stories so now there were 3 finalists. The grand prize winner was announced later in the morning.

• Web Site Visit Of The Day. 10/9/97. 7:15am
  One of the contestants in the Jenna Jameson game is a guy who invented a self lighting pipe. He has a web site of his own where you can see the pipe so Howard checked it out. The site was at www.the-pipe.com

• Dallas Station Being Sold By Nationwide Insurance! 10/9/97. 7:20am
  Dallas fans should be really pissed off now. Nationwide Insurance has put KEGL up for sale after dropping Howard from the station. Howard talked about this for about 2 minutes this morning. He read about it in some industry publication. I don't know what that means for Stern fans down there but if another company buys the station maybe they'll put Howard back on... don't count on it though.

• Kiki The Drag Queen. 10/9/97. 7:25am
  This drag queen came in to tell his/her/it's story about getting beat up while performing at Madonna's birthday party recently. Kiki had a very masculine voice but he kept denying that he was a drag queen. He said that he's had 3 children and that he lost his breasts to breast cancer or something like that. Unfortunately I missed some of his story but from what I could hear, he got kicked by someone at Madonna's birthday party. He was performing some songs and someone attacked him for no good reason. Other than that there wasn't much of a story. Kiki wasn't that great as a guest.

• Howard Talks To Michelle The Tree House Mom. 10/9/97. 7:35am
  There's a woman in Illinois who moved out of her house into a tree house because she felt that he children weren't appreciating all of the things she was doing for them. Well one of Howard's listeners went down to the woman's house with a cellular phone to see if she'd let Howard interview her. There were a bunch of TV cameras ther covering the story. The guy with the phone just walked right up to the woman and asked her if she'd like to talk to Howard. She accepted so Howard spoke to her for a minute. Then a TV crew interrupted the conversation and Michelle said that she had to talk to them. Howard had her hold the phone nearby so he could continue after the TV interview. A couple of minutes later he was interviewing her again. He asked her why she was doing this and crap like that.

• Jim Belushi Comes In. 10/9/97. 8:20am
  Actor Jim Belushi came in to plug his new movie ''Gang Related''. He stars in it with the late Tupac Shakur. Howard spent most of the interview playing tape of a phony phone call that Gary made to Jim. It was like the call to Tom Arnold from a couple of weeks ago where Gary would ask the guy if he could come up with some outrageous story to tell on the air. He'd ask them to say ridiculous things and they'd refuse. Gary asked Jim to say things about people like Dan Aykroyd and Princess Diana. Of course Jim didn't agree to say anything because he didn't want to burn any bridges. Jim had to be rushed out of the studio because he had other shows to do.

• Howard Talks To Fran Drescher On The Phone. 10/9/97. 9:45am
  When Fran Drescher was on recently she asked Howard if he'd do her show. He said he would but later had second thoughts about it. He couldn't tell her no without Robin's help so he did it on the phone this morning. It wasn't an easy task though. Fran was half asleep when they got her on the phone. Howard told her that her show ''The Nanny'' just wasn't the right thing for him to do. Fran told him that they'd make it easy on him and come to New York City to shoot the scene right in the studio. It would only take an hour and it would be simple. Howard told her no about 10 times but she just wouldn't hear of it. She wouldn't give up. She just kept going and going trying to get him to do it but Howard already made up his mind. At one point Howard's mother called in and told Howard that he should just do the show and let Fran stop begging. Howard stood his ground and didn't give in. He didn't want to hurt Fran's feelings but she did seem a little upset about the whole thing. Howard told her that he'd talk to his agent about the situation to see if he should do it. Don't count on him showing up on the show...

• The Jenna Jameson Nude Rubdown Contest Winner Is... 10/9/97. 10:30am
  Well it was late in the show when they finally got around to picking the winner for this nude rubdown. There were 3 finalists for the contest:
  • Kevin - The 30 year old virgin
  • Dee - The penis cancer guy who doesn't have long to live
  • Kevin - The blind guy who was shot in the face
  Howard and Robin painstakingly went over each of the stories and picked Dee as the grand prize winner. Dee will be down at the studio tomorrow for his rubdown. Check back tomorrow for the full story.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 8, 1997 --

• It's Time To Ignore Andrew Dice Clay. 10/8/97. 6:45am
  After Big Black played the Hard Copy piece on Dice and Howard's feud which aired yesterday Howard decided that it's time to ignore him. Dice was interviewed by the Hard Copy people and he challenged Howard to a war of wits. He wants to do it in someplace like Madison Square Garden. Well Howard's not going to have anything to do with something like that. On Hard Copy Dice said that he's sick of Howard getting publicity off of his name... uh, Dice, I think it's the other way around. That's what Howard thinks also so he said that he's not going to talk about him anymore.

• Jenna Jameson Nude Massage Contest! 10/8/97. 7:00am
  This Friday porn star Jenna Jameson will be coming in. She will be giving one lucky listener a nude rubdown. The listener with the saddest story will win the contest and get the rubdown. This morning Howard started taking groups of callers with their sad stories. Out of each group they'll pick the one with the saddest story. Out of that group they'll pick the final grand prize winner to get the rub down. Howard took two groups of calls this morning and picked two finalists. The first finalist is Kevin, a 30 year old virgin. As soon as Howard heard that the guy was a 30 year old virgin he said ''He wins..''. Robin eventually agreed with him so he's in. Out of the second group of callers another guy by the name of Kevin won. This Kevin is blind. He was shot in the face by someone and lost his sight. So there we have it. Two finalists so far. We'll probably have more tomorrow.

• Fred's CD Dedication. 10/8/97. 7:25am
  Fred's band King Norris recently released a CD. Howard just found out about it and read the dedication inside. It's dedicated to Fred's wife Alison. Howard read it on the air and not surprisingly it didn't make much sense. It said something about his wife sticking with him through all of the crap. Howard can't imagine what crap he was talking about. Howard also played a track off of the album called ''Tearing Down The Walls''. It's about his relationship with his wife. Robin said that she had to listen to it a bunch of times to try and make sense out of it. She didn't have any luck.

  (The following was added 10/01/09) Howard read that Steve Grillo got a dedication too. Fred said that's because he used to show up to a bunch of gigs.

  Howard brought up the incident that Fred and his wife had at the Rainbow Room one night. Jackie told Howard about that incident again. He told Howard that the room was rotating and by the time Fred and his wife's table got back to where they were, the table had been cleared and Fred and his wife were gone. Fred said that he bumped the table with his hip and he didn't knock the table over or anything.

  Gary said he remembers hearing from that guy who was there who said he saw Fred throw a glass at the wall. Fred went off on Gary and said that maybe they should talk about his marriage too. He said that Gary likes to interject and he has no business doing that with that story. Gary said he was just telling them what that caller said when he was on the air.

  Howard asked Fred some questions about what the fight was about at the Rainbow Room. Fred gave some of the details and said that it happened 4 years before. Howard told Fred that he should lay off the drinking because that seems to lead to trouble.

  Howard played the track ''Tearing Down the Walls'' from Fred's album. Howard said it was kind of a Latin sound. He and Robin tried to figure out what the lyrics were about. They weren't having any luck figuring them out. Howard asked what the hell he was talking about.

  Howard told Fred that he should keep all of this stuff locked up inside of him and not let it all out. He said that a relationship is making yourself look like a hero instead of breaking all of these awful details of his life to her. Howard said he looks like a hero to his kids because of that. Howard played more of Fred's song and said he gets it now. He cut it off and gave Fred some plugs for the CD.

• Rapper Busta Rhymes Comes In. 10/8/97. 8:50am
  Busta Rhymes came in to plug his album ''When Disaster Strikes''. Howard interviewed him for a little bit and played pre-recorded tapes of people out on the street asking questions. They're not average people, they sound like drunks. He says that the questions are for Busta himself but he's used the tapes for other people like Chris Rock. Some of the questions were:
  • Was Mike Tyson railroaded on rape charges?
  • Is OJ Simpson guilty?
  • Do light skinned black people get preferential treatment over dark skinned black people?
  • Did you participate in the L.A. Riots?
  • Would you do a rap song with OJ?
  • Should blacks and whites live separately?
  • Would you ride in a car with Rodney King?
  Busta answered most of the questions. He thinks that OJ was set up to a certain extent by the L.A. Cops and he said he'd do a rap song with OJ anytime. Howard kept Busta around during the next segment.. 2 guys came in to eat Hershey Kisses out of Jackie's ass for Private Parts Prize Packages!

• Private Parts Prize Package Giveaway...Eat Hershey Kiss Out Of Jackie's Ass! 10/8/97. 9:10am
  A listener from New Jersey called in earlier this morning and asked if he could eat a Hershey Kiss out of Jackie's ass for a Private Parts Prize Package. Howard told him to get down there as fast as possible. He was on his way in when another guy called in from New York City and said that he could be there quicker than the other guy to do the same thing. Howard told him to come in. They both showed up so they both got to do their thing. Tommy from Secaucus, NJ was the first guy to call in. The other guy who called himself ''Hoss'' is the guy from the city. Howard had Jackie put 2 of these chocolate Hershey Kisses in his butt crack to warm them up. It sounded like Howard expected the guys to take the Kisses out of the crack with toothpicks and eat them but that's not what they ended up doing. Each guy had to bend over and get the Kiss out of Jackie's ass with his mouth. Tommy did it pretty quick. Busta Rhymes was amazed and disgusted during the whole thing. He said it must be a ''white thing''. ''Hoss'' was up next to dig into Jackie's ass. His job wasn't going to be easy though. The second Hershey Kiss was buried in Jackie's ass pretty damn good. Hoss had to dig in there really far to get his prize package. Everyone was calling him a homo because he was down there so long. Jackie even jumped at one point because the guy's nose was so cold... Just another day on the Stern show...

  ---

  -- Tuesday October 7, 1997 --

• Scott The Engineer Loses His Bet. 10/7/97. 6:05am
  As predicted, Scott The Engineer lost his bet with Howard on who would win the Yankee game last night. As soon as Howard got on the air he was goofing on Scott and how he loses at everything he does. If Scott bets on something you can almost guarantee that he'll lose the bet. Some listeners were pissed that Scott made the Yankees lose the game but some actually bet against the Yanks and won some big money. One guy claimed that he won $8000 because of Scott. Scott's loss is our gain. For his loss he had to get dressed in a bra and panties and walk around the block out on the streets of New York City. Howard didnt' make it a quickie either. He dragged it out for over an hour. Once Howard picked out the correct outfit for Scott, Amy the intern said she had to see him. She came in and laughed it up a bit. He was wearing thong underwear so his ugly ass was showing and he was wearing a DD-Cup size bra which he filled in quite nicely according to Robin. Scott eventually made it out onto the streets and there were plenty of people waiting to see him. He said that a lot of people were throwing money at him. One woman even wanted him to dance for her. Can't wait to see this one on E!

• Author Barbara Berg On The Phone. 10/7/97. 7:50am
  This woman wrote a book called ''What To Do When Life Is Driving You Crazy''. It's basically a book to tell you what to do when your wife is nagging you. Howard took a bunch of calls from listeners with marriage problems and Barbara would try to give them some advice. Her voice was really annoying so I really wasn't listening too closely to her. Maybe the book is better than her radio appearance.. I don't know... If you'd like to get the book here's the number: 1-800-669-0773 or go to your local book store and check it out.

• Phone Sex With Howard. 10/7/97. 8:40am
  I don't know what it was with annoying voices today but Howard had a professional phone sex woman on the phone today and her voice was pretty bad. Some woman called in and said that she could put on this so called professional phone sex woman so Howard took her up on the offer. A little while later this woman Holly was attempting phone sex with Howard. Howard got sidetracked for a few minutes but then went back to it. When she started saying that she'd lick his inner thighs he had to hang up. I think he was afraid that he'd get too dirty for the radio.

• Dice On Hard Copy Tonight. 10/7/97. 9:00am
  A couple of people informed Howard that Andrew Dice Clay is supposed to be on Hard Copy today talking about their feud. I guess Dice is going to make a career out of his fight with Howard now. Check it out if you get a chance.

• Alice, The Black Woman Who Dislikes Black People. 10/7/97. 9:20am
  This woman called in a couple of months ago. She said that even though she's black herself she doesn't like black people. She came into the studio today to tell her story. Actually it was YELL her story. Howard kept putting people on the phone with Alice and they'd say something to her and she'd go nuts yelling at them. It was pretty funny. Basically Alice doesn't like black people because she's been ripped off by black people during her life. There was a pretty funny story that Scott Einziger had to tell. Scott was in the mens bathroom when he heard a sound next to him. It turned out to be Alice! She was in the mens room. She said something like ''..damn it, this is the mens room?...I've done this before...''. She said that she was sleepy and that she didn't know which bathroom she was in. She had done it once before when she was younger also. Scott also said that she was on her period so he saw things that he shouldn't have. One caller was chanting voo doo stuff to Alice but she just yelled at the guy so you could barely hear it. Before she left she cried about losing her mother and father and sister. She didn't say how she lost them but she wept for a couple of minutes. Howard just laughed.

  ---

  -- Monday October 6, 1997 --

• Just How Fat Is Scott The Engineer? 10/6/97. 7:35am
  Scott the engineer came into the studio for some reason this morning and the subject of his weight came up. He's gained quite a few pounds since quitting smoking a few months ago. Everyone decided to bet on what he weighs. It was a small bet put they pooled the money together for whoever could get closest to his weight without going over. Stuttering John guessed 265 pounds, Gary said 258, Robin said 250, Jackie said 270, Fred said 220 and Howard said 235. His actual weight was 265 pounds! He's 6'1'' tall by the way. Stuttering John won the bet. After that bet Howard wanted to bet Scott on the Yankee baseball game. Howard said that he'd put up $500. If Scott wins he gets the $500. If he loses he has to dress in bra and panties and walk around the block. Scott never wins when he bets so Yankee fans beware... Scott chose the Yankee's to win tonight. Scott may be walking the streets tomorrow morning.

• Female Farting Contest. 10/6/97. 7:55am
  Only 3 women showed up for this new contest this morning. Gary said that he had 7 women scheduled to do it. The goal is to see who can blow a fart the quickest. Gary had a stop watch to time the fart. He tested it out on Howard first. Howard blew a couple, one in 2.4 seconds then one in 1.14 seconds and finally one in .74 seconds. The first woman up was Claudia. She couldn't pull it off even though she claimed last week that she would be able to do it after drinking some milk. The second contestant was Mary. Mary let out a barely audible fart in 22.62 seconds. The last contestant, Veronica, came up and let one rip in 2.21 seconds! And this was no dainty fart. It was an awful sounding nasty blast of a cabbage fart. Within a few seconds Howard caught a whiff and almost puked. Veronica said that she ate a 1/4 head of cabbage to come up with the contest winning entry or exit as the case may be. She won a round trip ticket to Las Vegas. Look out Las Vegas!

• Comedian Chris Rock Comes In. 10/6/97. 8:35am
  Chris Rock came in to plug his book ''Rock This'' and his comedy CD ''Roll With The New''. Howard introduced Chris to that white comedian Colt 40-Feinberg who was on the show last week. Colt sounds a lot like Chris Rock. Chris didn't find Colt too funny. He kept asking Howard where he found these people. Howard also had some tape of people who wanted to ask Chris questions. It was supposed to be people out on the street. It turned out to be black people who could barely speak. Howard would play the tape and Chris would just keep asking ''where do you find these people?'' over and over again. It was actually pretty funny. After those questions Howard said that he had a listener who won the right to come in and ask Chris a question in person. That listener was Crackhead Bob. He mumbled something and Chris asked ''where do you find these people?'' once again. There were also a couple of people on the phone who said that they grew up with Chris. One guy said that he used to beat Chris up. The phone calls didn't really go anywhere though.

• Eddie Murphy's Uncle Ray Calls In. 10/6/97. 10:00am
  Eddie Murphy's uncle Ray called in for some odd reason this morning. He didn't really have anything interesting to talk about but I thought I'd mention it anyway.

• Woman From The Cultural Environment Movement Calls In. 10/6/97. 10:45am
  Earlier in the morning Howard read a fax about this group ''The Cultural Environment Movement'' who is joining people in Canada to try and get Howard thrown off the air up there. Near the end of the show a member of the board of this ridiculous group was on the phone. She tried to explain why they're trying to get Howard off the air but it really didn't make too much sense. Her group thinks that Howard should be taken off the air because of his ''hateful'' comments about the French people. It's Howard's opinion so he doesn't know why people should be so worried about it. He asked her the following question: ''Let's say it's World War 2 and I went on the air and said that I hate the Nazi's. Should I be taken off the air for that?''. The woman couldn't give him an answer. She kept avoiding the subject. He asked her over and over again but she just wouldn't budge. The two of them went at it for about 15 minutes. When she finally had to go Howard told her that she was very brave to come on the radio.

  ---

  -- Friday October 3, 1997 --

• UPDATE: Jolean The Breast Implant Woman. 10/3/97. 6:55am
  You may remember this woman from her last appearance in July. She came in and wanted to get breast implants because hers were really tiny. She was shot in the head by her boyfriend but lived and all she wanted was big breasts. Well a doctor called in an offered to do them for free. She had them done and she came in today to show them off. Jolean can barely walk but she has nice big breasts now. Howard said that before she even got the implants she was offering oral sex to people she barely knew. She offered Doug from E! when they were in a limo on the way to the doctor's office. She also offered it to the limo driver. Since she had the implants she said that about 5 or 6 guys have been able to touch her new breasts. She had some old black guy with her on the show today but he was just helping her out. She didn't even want him to see her breasts. She had some strange story about how them met but it didn't make much sense.

• Daniel Carver Awarded F-Emmy For ''Best Daniel Carver Appearance''. 10/3/97. 7:35am
  Another F-Emmy award today. This one was for the ''Best Daniel Carver Appearance'' so there was no way he'd lose. Here were the nominees:
  • Daniel's KKK message about Martin Luther King.
  • Daniel's feelings about Tiger Woods.
  • Daniel's KKK message about people tampering with his answering machine.
  The winning appearance was all three I guess. Daniel was on the phone to accept. He thanked Howard for the gold tampon. Daniel has received F-Emmy's in the past but he said that he's never physically received the award until now. Daniel was his usual racist self on the phone and spewed his dumb assed messages while Howard talked over him. Howard also had a black guy on the phone to yell at Daniel.

• Pat Cooper Comes In. 10/3/97. 8:05am
  Comedian Pat Cooper came in for some reason today. This may be an award winning appearance too. Howard had tape of Pat bad mouthing him on some tv show. Pat said that he never bad mouths Howard but Howard had the tape. Pat was more riled up than usual today. He was yelling and screaming about crap that just didn't make sense as usual. He thinks that he could beat Howard in the ratings if he had his own radio show on at the same time. He wanted to do that in Las Vegas but he wanted like $1 Million for it. No radio station would pay him that if he hasn't proven himself yet. As Pat was getting ready to leave Howard said something about doing Pat a favor, letting him on the show. Well Pat lost it. He went nuts and said that Howard wasn't doing him any favors and he didn't want any favors from anyone. The guy is nuts. It's hard to tell whether or not Pat was actually mad or not. Gary came back in later in the show and said that Pat had some things to plug but he wouldn't tell Gary what they were because he didn't want any favors done for him. What a nut! Hopefully this will show up on E! in the near future so we can see Pat losing it once again.

• Flip Wilson Awarded F-Emmy For ''Wackiest Celebrity Moment''. 10/3/97. 8:50am
  The F-Emmy for ''Wackiest Celebrity Moment'' was awarded to Flip Wilson for his showing of the penis episode. Here were the nominees:
  • Geraldo Rivera calls the show barely coherent after doing his show for 20 hours straight.
  • Roy Firestone sings a song parody about Kato Kaelin.
  • Flip Wilson shows his penis and lets Robin Radzinski pump it up.
  Flip was on the phone to accept his award. He said that he's been getting a lot of calls from old girlfriends and new women. He also said that he had quite a flight home after doing the show. The flight attendants kept bringing him caviar and lobster. He ended up asking if they had heard him on Howard. They had and I guess that's why they were bringing him all of the expensive food.

• The Mike Walker Game. 10/3/97. 9:10am
  For today's Mike Walker Game we had Colt 40-Feinberg playing along on the phone. Colt is the comedian who played the ''Wuz up wit my secret'' game on Tuesday. His real name is Neil Feinberg and he did his black comedian impression during the whole game. So here are this week's stories:
  1. Liz Taylor was bitten by a spider. She had an allergic reaction and had EMT's standing by at some function she went to.
  2. Sharon Stone is having all of her limo drivers screened for drugs and alcohol use after the Lady Diana incident.
  3. Yasmine Bleeth was hanging out with her friends while bowling. She found a loose string on her dress, she pulled it and the next time she bowled, she ripped the dress exposing her jazzy red panties.
  4. Jerry Seinfeld has been spending a lot of time with co-star Julia Louis-Dreyfus' new baby lately. He said that he'd like to find a woman to settle down with so he could have one.
  Colt 40-Feinberg chose the first story as the fake, Fred chose number 2, Robin picked 4, Jackie picked 3 and Howard picked 4. The actual fake story for this week was number 3, the Yasmine Bleeth story. Mike said that the story was true but not for Yasmine. It happened to Christina Applegate years ago.

  ---

  -- Thursday October 2, 1997 --

• Best Of Stern. 10/2/97.
  These are the days where Howard being half Jewish comes in handy. He gets to take vacation today for Rosh Hashana. Here are today's featured segments:
  • ''I Love Lucy'' bit.
  • Discussion about one of Jackie's lame jokes.
  • Sportscaster Al Michaels comes in.
  • Howard complains about his wife listening to the show.
  • Woman who claimed to be Madonna's sister called in.
  • Ian the drunk calls in and rambles on and on.

  ---

  -- Wednesday October 1, 1997 --

• Paul Rodriguez Reports On His Conan O'Brien Appearance. 10/1/97. 6:15am
  Yesterday during Paul Rodriguez's appearance on the show he said that he was going to be appearing on the Late Night with Conan O'Brien show. They asked him to do a stand-up routine but he didn't want to. So he told Howard that he would just repeat Conan's monolog but do it funnier. He called in this morning to tell Howard what actually happened. He went on and did what he said but when he watched the show later that night he noticed that they cut most of his stuff out. He just wanted Howard to know that he didn't wimp out. He did what he said that the people at Late Night cut it up.

• Web Site Of The Day. 10/1/97. 7:10am
  Howard had another cool web site to visit today. It's www.thatguy.com/splash/. It's called ''Flash Mountain'' and it has pictures that are taken near the end of the ''Splash Mountain'' ride at Disneyland out in California. That's not the cool part though... These are a select few where women have lifted their shirts up just as the picture was taken. You have to see it. Be warned though, some of the women aren't exactly attractive.

• Sy Sperling, Hair Club For Men President, Calls In. 10/1/97. 7:20am
  He's not only the President, he's a member too.. Sy Sperling came on the show to ''out'' celebrities who have hair pieces. It didn't really turn out to be that big of a deal though. Sy pointed out some celebrities who most people already know have bad wigs like:
  • Ted Danson
  • Elton John
  • Tony Bennett
  Howard also read a list of celebs who Sy thinks may have had something done to their hair like:
  • Paul Reiser
  • Al Pachino
  • Whitney Houston
  • Charles Bronson
  • Nicolas Cage
  Nothing too interesting there. Sy plugged his ''Hair Club For Men'' company and said that they're offering free hair for children who have cancer and have lost their hair because of the chemotherapy. If you'd like to get in touch with them their number is 1-800-HAIRCLUB

• John Popper On The Phone. 10/1/97. 7:40am
  Robin read a story in the news yesterday about one of the members of Blues Traveler getting arrested for cocaine possession up in Canada. The article didn't mention which member it was so Howard tracked down lead singer John Popper to find out who it was. Well, it wasn't John. Howard was relieved to hear that. John said that it was the bass player Bob Sheehan. John didn't give too much information about it since it just happened but the authorities up there have been very cooperative. He's been released and they opened for The Rolling Stones last night.

• Robin's Masturbation Revelation. 10/1/97. 7:55am
  After Howard said something about not pleasuring himself for 3 days in a row Robin said that she did herself last night. Howard asked her who she though about while she was doing it. She wouldn't exactly admit to it but Howard figured it was her ex-boyfriend Tony...oops!... Mr. X. Robin just giggled when Howard brought him up so I'm assuming that he was the man she was thinking about. She also said that she thinks about Richard Gere and some newscaster from New York when she pleasures herself.

• Corey Feldman Wins F-Emmy For ''Best Celebrity Fight''. 10/1/97. 8:10am
  This year's F-Emmy awards is going to last forever I think.. Here were the nominees for ''Best Celebrity Fight'':
  • Corey Feldman fights with his father about the money his father stole from him.
  • Carol Shaya fights with Gary about doing a Lesbian kiss on the air.
  • Jackie fights with Rodney Dangerfield about money that he borrowed from him.
  Corey Feldman was the winner so he was on the phone to accept. He gave his acceptance speech but rambled on a bit too long so Howard had to cut him off. Howard was in a rush so he didn't spend too much time talking to him.

• Fran Drescher Comes In. 10/1/97. 8:35am
  Fran Drescher was in to plug the season premiere of her CBS show ''The Nanny'' which airs tonight. Howard said that she's looking great and she was dressed pretty sexy. Howard had to find out more about her marriage breakup. She and her husband recently broke up but got back together as friends because they're business partners. She said today that she's still good friends with him but she has slept with a couple of other men since their breakup. One guy she had sex with in the back of a limo! She didn't get into too much detail about that though. She and Howard also spent a short time talking about the tabloid magazines and the way photographers chase celebrities.

• Fiona Apple Wins F-Emmy For ''Best Celebrity Revelation''. 10/1/97. 9:15am
  Nominees for ''Best Celebrity Revelation'' were:
  • Playboy Playmate talks about seeing Sylvester Stallone's small penis in a hot tub.
  • Wilt Chamberlain talks about his custom made condoms.
  • Fiona Apple talks about being raped and how she was voted ''Dog of the school''.
  Fiona Apple won and was on the phone to accept. Howard was hoping that she'd make another rambling speech like she did on the MTV Video Music Awards last month. She was sick and wasn't in the mood to make another dopey speech so she just talked to Howard for a while. She wasn't too impressed with the quality of the F-Emmy which is just a gold painted tampon. The paint was flaking off on her hands. They got in a little bit of an argument about tattoos for some odd reason. Fiona mentioned that she had one on her back so Howard said that he was thinking of getting one. She said that he shouldn't get one because he was getting on just because it was cool where as she got hers because it meant something to her. She really wasn't making sense but it may have had something to do with the fact that she was sick.

• Stern Show News Main Page
• November 1997 Archive

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