"I am a noble preserver," said the Modern Swain, thoughtfully moving away; "the life that I have saved is indeed mine."

My swains could not think of anything more to say, and the merits of my shepherdesses remained undecided.

Swain has made a Faustian bargain that includes self-mutilation and drug trafficking to prolong his time in front of the calcium lights.

Harry Swain, deputy minister of the Department of Indian Affairs and Northern Development at the time of the Oka crisis, has written an insider analysis of this important event in Canadian political history.

"Quite rightly education comes first and they are only allowed a certain number of days away from school," said Swain. "This is a very important year for many of the youngsters because of GCSE examinations.

The book is written in refreshingly lively language, and is peppered with occasionally blunt formulations that make it clear that Swain is anything but a bloodless bureaucrat.

Since early 1900, generations of Swains have called Hollyknowe Plantation home.

Birmingham Crown Court heard Swain groomed his 15-year-old victim over the internet before travelling from his Nottinghamshire home and raping her in a field near the M6 in August last year.

With Villa and Chelsea set to go head-tohead on Saturday in the FA Cup semi-final, Swain will have split loyalties.